Previously: Sex and consequences. Don’t have sex, kids. Wait, DO have sex, kids! What? No? Okay! Don’t have sex, kids! There will be consequences! Like babies and jobs in church daycares that have full benefits, so keep it in your pants, kids! Unless you want to kill John Schneider.

Adrian is genuinely thrilled to have a house. She has a kitchen! And a dining room! And stairs! Ricky suggests they go upstairs and have sex in her room! Adrian, however, is holding firm. No sex until she gets some sort of commitment about their future. Adrian, he already gave you one. I believe it was something along the lines of “I just want to have sex with you without having any responsibility otherwise.” Adrian is still forcing the issue and says that even though he’s not going into therapy with her, she’s taken the initiative and called his therapist and set up an appointment for herself to work through her own issues.  I’m not current on my “in therapy” etiquette, but I think using your boyfriend’s therapist as your therapist is a party foul. Especially if said boyfriend has expressly expressed his wishes against said actions. Ricky’s not thrilled with this development. He begs her not to ruin the two things he loves most in the world (sex and therapy. You guys! I’m totally using that as my band name!), she ignores him and then starts sending him mixed signals by pressing her body to his and engaging in some glossy-lipped making out. Fortunately for us Ashley was upstairs and chooses this moment to interrupt.  She reminds them that the kitchen window is not a one-way mirror.  There’s a clear shot from Amy’s living room into Adrian’s kitchen. She leaves. Ricky suggests getting some shades for the kitchen, Adrian says no way. It’s like she wants Amy to be jealous or something. 

Meanwhile, Amy is holding John and enjoying it. We’ve got actual Amy smiles, people. It’s almost tender as John points to Ricky when she asks him where his daddy is. John doesn’t look like Tom in this scene either. Then Amy asks John where his momma is.  Supposedly John points to Adrian, but I’m not buying it. Amy’s bitchface returns.

Falling in love… is such an easy thing to do….

George is out in his back yard sanding some piece of furniture (the exact piece of furniture I have in my foyer. I hate it when “art” and reality collide. It messes with my head) when Ricky hails him from over the brick wall fence with a hearty, “hey, neighbor!” George tells him to come over and help him sand and asks if he’s moving in with Adrian, hence the “neighbor” greeting. Ricky tells him no, and then tells him that his (George’s) ex-girlfriend (Adrian’s mom) is away for the weekend. George immediately calls him out for trying to point out his past mistakes. I like this George and Ricky dynamic right now. I like how neither of them let the other get away with their usual bullshit. It’s almost refreshing. And then George points out that Ricky is grumpy because he needs to get laid. So, yeah. Not so refreshing anymore.  Ricky tells George and us (again) about Adrian’s conditions. George says a wedding and kids isn’t out of the picture, it could happen – unless Ricky is holding out in hopes of getting together with Amy?  “Oh no,” Ricky assures him. George wants to know what’s wrong with Amy?! (Oh George… Ohhhhhhhh, George. Let me get my list.) Ricky says nothing is wrong with Amy, but George has made it clear that Ricky isn’t good enough for her.  Plus, there’s no “heat” between them. George offers to get a shovel so Ricky can dig himself a bigger hole.  Holy crap, y’all! Did you realize that Anson Williams directed this show? You know who he is, right? No, of course not. You’re 16. Anson played Potsy on Happy Days.  Richie Cunningham? Ralph Malph? Joani and Chachi? The Fonz? Pinky and Leather Tuscadaro?! Ohmigawd, people! Crack a Wikipedia once in a while. Anyway, currently  Ricky admits that he doesn’t love Amy that way. He loves her, but he doesn’t loooooove her. George tells Ricky not to tell Amy that he loves her at all. She’s got too much on her plate to deal with that. But Ricky doesn’t want to talk about Amy, he wants to talk about Adrian. He wants to know if George and Molly Ringwald have ever gotten counseling. Of course not, George scoffs. The reason they have such a great relationship is because they never got anyone else involved in it – other than the people they cheated with. Ricky reminds him that he’s divorced. George keeps forgetting that. Then Ricky wants to know how you know you’ve found the right person. George says that there is no “right person.” If you find someone you want to be with and have a family with, then you do it. Ricky isn’t convinced. He knows that his abused past colors everything he does in any relationship and that he has to think about everything. George sits down with Ricky, calls him “son,” and says that he’s not any more complicated than the rest of humanity. His own dad didn’t abuse him, but he was never around. George learned how to be a  “great dad”  from Leave it to Beaver only kicked up a notch. Then he tells Ricky that he respects how hard he’s working to leave a different legacy for John. Then he tells him he’s jealous of his thick, gorgeous hair, but he really likes him. Then he tells him that if he wants to be with Adrian when he isn’t obligated to be with her then it’s probably love and he should go for it.  Ricky leaves, probably more confused than he was than when he jumped the fence. I know I am.

Ben shows up with chicken wings. It’s Sunday and beautiful and reminds him of the first time he proposed and he thought it’d be romantic if he and Amy had a back yard pic-nic. “Romantic, huh?” George says. “So you’re still in love?” “Yeah,” Ben tells him, not at all convincing. George tells him he’s got a guilty look on his face and asks him if he’s cheating on or thinking of cheating on Amy.  Ben denies, denies, denies unconvincingly.  George advises Ben to make some moves on Amy so that Amy knows Ben finds her “hot.”  Then George divulges one of the secrets of the sisterhood: When women don’t want to have sex they still want you to want to have sex with them. Damn you, George. Now I have to call a meeting. It’s time to switch things up. Ben and his cooler roll away from the highly inappropriate George and go inside to seek Amy (heheheheheheheh!!! If you seek Amy!!!)

Christ on a cracker. Just as Ben leaves, Gay Griffin comes around to the back door. Because HE’S GAY! Oh, you can’t tell me that wasn’t intentional. Anyway, the reason everyone is coming to the back door is because there’s a note on the front basically telling them to not breathe because John is napping.   There are more gay innuendos as George rides Griffin (LOL! I KILL ME!!) about protecting Ashley from the untoward advances of those whose first preference is not same sex relationships. “I would put myself between Ashley and any guy,” Griffin promises. George and I raise an eyebrow but quickly move on to how George is nervous about his future and about Moose the dog who dials 911. “All of this may have been a mistake.” I sure hope there are more locales than just the back yard.

Whew. We’re mid-argument with Josie Bissett and Grace as they take us into their kitchen. It’s about Josie’s Jewish lover. Grace doesn’t approve and she doesn’t think John Schneider would either.  Josie reminds her that if John Schneider hadn’t jumped ship died in a horrible plane crash they wouldn’t be having this discussion, but he did and even though they had a wonderful marriage, he’s dead and she likes having a man in her life. Even if he’s young and Jewish.  Grace says it’s embarrassing, everyone at church stared at them.  “Like they weren’t staring at you and the minister’s son,” Josie shoots back. “I noticed none of your TAG friends would come near you.” Grace tells us she isn’t being shunned because she isn’t having sex. Then she wants to know if Josie and Jewie are having (sneer) sex! Josie tells her it’s none of her business (it isn’t), but Grace argues that it is. Josie asks her and the writers if she realizes how ridiculous she sounds.  Grace and the writers scoff and don’t let go of the fact that Josie is having unwed sex. Josie tells her that she and Jewie Jeff aren’t having sex, but it’s not anyone’s bidness if they decide to. Grace counters that if Josie has sex with Jeff, then she will have sex. Check and mate, my good friend!! “You’re too young to have sex,” Josie argues. “You’re too old to have sex,” Grace counters. “I thought you said I was to “Christian” to have sex,” Josie responds. Not any more. “And you,” Josie zings. “Are you a Christian?” Grace tells us once again how she’s so devout that she’s not having sex again until she’s married.  Jack overhears that part and looks stricken. Slow Tom looks triumphant. Jack enters the kitchen and Josie leaves to change into something younger and more Christian, like strappy sandals.  

Jack asks Grace about her not having sex until marriage comment and says that he thought they were moving in the opposite direction. Grace informs him that she’s changed her mind. He tries to change it back and when she rebukes his advances he reminds us all she’s on her period and maybe he should come back in 4 to 5 days.  He and Grace bicker some more and he says that her choice of sports medicine and groin injuries is weird for a girl. She tells him that she’ll specialize in whatever she wants. Jewie Jeff moseys in and tries to talk with her about medicine. We learn that he’s a gynecologist.  Of course he is.  Grace and I are both disgusted (me with the writers. I’m not sure what her problem is.) and flounce out of the room.  Jack apologizes for Grace, telling a near stranger that it’s because she’s on her period. “I didn’t think you were buying tampons for yourself,” Jewie Jeff tells him. Jack asks OB-FINE! Jeff if it’s possible for a girl to get pregnant while she’s on her period. Oh! I know this answer! I know!! Sister Julie pounded it into our heads in biology!!! YES! IT IS POSSIBLE TO GET PREGNANT WHEN YOU’RE ON YOUR PERIOD!! ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR CYCLE IS STILL WEIRD LIKE IT IS AT 16!!! ALWAYS USE PROTECTION! EVEN WHEN YOU’RE MENSTRUATING. OB-FINE agrees with me. He also says that Grace should be on birth control. Jack assures him that she is and that he always wears a condom.

Josie breaks up this awesome conversation upon her return from her closet. She’s looking young and Christ like in her sleeveless gray sweater, low slung belt, leggings, jewelry, and strappy sandals. OB-FINE likes the sandals. He then asks her if she’s sure Grace and Jack are doin’ the humpty bumpty (one does tire of writing “SEX” all the time). Josie assures him they aren’t. Grace just told her they weren’t. OB-FINE  laughs because they  “aren’t having sex” either. Josie smiles and shushes him and they kiss.

Upstairs Jack is having no luck because Grace is on a tear. It doesn’t matter that OB-FINE is Jewish because they have the same “big 10” as the Christians.  Jack tries to talk her down by suggesting instead of full out sex before marriage they, “and here’s an idea,” ORAL SEX. 

Listen y’all. I’m not a prude. I get it. I understand the need/want/desire/pressure teens feel to have sex. But don’t fool yourselves. ORAL SEX is still sex. Your hymen might remain in-tact, BUT IT’S STILL SEX and IT WILL EVENTUALLY LEAD TO PENIS IN VAGINA SEX. So, you know. Just throwin’ it out there. 

Anyway, PSA aside, Grace’s eyes bug out of her skull. Jack calls it a “loop-hole.”  Grace tells him that it’s “still sex.” “Not if you don’t believe it is,” Jack says enthusiastically. “Everybody wins.” Jack, see the above paragraph. Also? Girls, don’t go down until he does. Just sayin’. We have to wait until commercial break to see what Grace will decide. I’m on pins and needles y’all.

Except we’re in couple’s therapy with Ricky and Adrian. Looks like Adrian got her way.  Adrian tells Ricky’s therapist that sex is “great.” The therapist wants to know what makes it great and Adrian gives Ricky the credit, although, she must say that she’s pretty good at it, too. They’re awesome at it and up to pretty much anything. No, SLut. He means emotionally. How does she feel about sex emotionally when they’re finished with all the acrobatics.  Adrian asks Ricky if he wants to field that question. Ricky doesn’t even want to be there. Adrian says she feels good after sex. Really good. And she sleeps well, too. Although, other times it gives her energy. And makes her really hungry.  The therapist asks how she feels about Ricky after sex.  “Good,” Adrian nods. She really likes it when he hangs around after. Other guys, she couldn’t care about, but she likes it when Ricky stays.  Therapist wants to know how long Ricky hangs around after sex.  We learn that Ricky doesn’t stay overnight because he doesn’t want to. He likes being alone after sex. Therapist knows why Ricky wants to be alone after sex, but why does Adrian want Ricky to hang around – also, how old was she when she first had sex. She just does and she was 15. We learn that Adrian’s first time was with her best friend at the time Antonio. They’d been besties for 7 years and always talked about getting married and having children. They were in love. I’m guessing that Antonio died. OH MI GAWSH! SEX DOES KILL!!!  Oh. Maybe not. Antonio moved and they didn’t stay in touch because it would never be the same.  They agreed not to write or call… OH! WAIT!! I am right. Antonio had cancer.

Adrian is in tears. Therapist leaves and she and Ricky talk about life.  She’s afraid that Ricky’s going to walk out of her life, too. Ricky knows what’s going to make her feel better, and him feel better. Sex – BUT, he’ll spend the night. Oh, Ricky. You sly dog. Then conversation turns to why Ricky won’t go to court to get legal rights to John – because he was abused and he’s worried that the courts will see the worst in him.  He asks Adrian if she’s worried that Amy will take John away from him or him away from Adrian? Besides, Amy loves Ben and Ben loves Amy.  Adrian’s not so sure about that second part.

Meanwhile, George is having a heart to heart with Moose about his conflicted feelings about Molly Ringwald and the new baby. What was he thinking?  The cheating, the getting Molly Ringwald pregnanting, the having to start over again when the two oldest were almost out of the house. (Okay, he has a point there. Parenting in your late 40’s is way different than parenting in your 20’s and 30’s.)  Inside Amy and Ben are finishing up the wings. Ben decides to employ George’s advice and tries to cop a feel. He can’t help it. He tried to curb his desires, but she makes him “hot.” Amy likey. George interrupts them  and inappropriately gives Ben the thumbs up as he passes through the room.  Amy basically offers to have “lots and lots” of sex with Ben if they get officially engaged and move in together at Ben’s dad’s home. Ben races off to ask Leo if that’s a possibility.

Out in the garage of potential disaster Gay Griffin is telling Ashley how well she “scored” with her new digs. Ashley asks if he’ll help her decorate. Why? Because he’s gay?! No, because he’s her friend and she’s seen his room. He is good at decorating. Griffin goes totes gay on her and instantly tells her how they’re going to decorate her place. Ashley looks miserable and Griffin drops the decorating talk and tells Ashley to talk with Amy. She’s never going to enjoy her new room while she’s fighting with Amy.

Amy and Ashley call a truce.

Upstairs Molly Ringwald is pacing the room because she’s uncomfortable and going into labor.  Everyone wants Moose to call 911 – except Ashley who dials it. Because she’s the only normal person in this show. Naturally because this is Brenda Hampton’s world, Molly Ringwald goes from “I’m uncomfortable” to “the baby is coming NOW!” and of course, 911 is refusing to respond because Moose has called them one too many times. George tells the girls to hold Molly’s hands while he delivers the baby. The girls laugh and Molly rolls her eyes. George rallies the troops and Molly sits on the edge of the bed and pushes us into a scene with Leo and Ben.

Leo tells Ben that he can’t “do that.” Ben says he has to. “Oh no,” Leo says. “Is she pregnant again?” No, but Ben’s afraid he’ll lose her if he doesn’t do what she wants, and what she wants is to move out of her house.  Or he doesn’t want Amy to find out about his “friend” from Italy. Ben says he can’t love two women at the same time, can he? “No, you can’t,” Leo wisely tells him. He wants to know who Ben loves. Turns out Ben isn’t sure he loves Amy. Jennifer “SERIOUSLY! GET MY AGENT ON THE HORN!” Coolidge steps in the room and basically tells Ben to sleep with Amy so that the playing field is level (because he had sex with his Italian girlfriend). Leo and I are all, the fuck, woman?  She says you shouldn’t marry someone you’re not sexually compatible with because it leads to all sorts of problems, so wait until Amy’s ready, but do sleep with her. Ben didn’t realize there could be “bad sex,” and Leo and Jennifer both rush to assure him that there sure as shootin’ is. If you have it too early, or when you’re not in love enough to make it good. Ben leaves and Leo tells Jennifer that the private investigator found her ex-husband at the bottom of the East River. She wants to know if he’s dead. Then she hugs Leo because she’s happy that her abusive ex-husband drowned years ago.  Of course he did. Leo’s ready to plan a wedding.

It looks like George has delivered his son.  Thank goodness Moose convinced the 911 people to come out. They all agree it was scary and wonderful and then they name the newest Jergins Robert Scott Jergins after Molly Ringwald’s dad. It’s a cute baby.  I wonder how much he’ll look like Tom come January when this show darkens my Tivo.

Tom is having phone sex with Tammy and searching the fridge for something good to eat at the same time. OB-FINE interrupts him to tell him that phone sex is illegal. Then he tells him that Josie sent him in to tell him. “My. Mom. Knows?” Tom asks. “Oh yeah,” OB-FINE says.  “Does. Yourmomknow. That. You’re. Havingsexwith. My. Mother?” Tom asks. Not only does Momma OB-FINE know that, she knows that OB-FINE wants to marry Josie, but let’s keep that between you and me. Yeah. That’s weird. That’s some awkward misplaced survivor’s guilt or something. OB-FINE asks Tom what he thinks about that. Tom thinks that he just met him yesterday.  “Too soon?” OB-FINE asks.  “Whatever. Daaaaaaaaaad,” Tom says. You guys, I think Tom might set OB-FINE on fire. And then eat him. Upstairs, Grace tells Josie that she’s breaking up with Jack because she’s not ready for a serious relationship. I agree with her. She needs to break up with Jack so that he can get Blow Jobs by Madison without guilt. Josie looks stricken because what is a woman without a man?! NOTHING!!!

Speaking of Madison, she and Lauren have just wasted time and money on a horrible movie on a school night!  They’re a little irritated. Jack texts Madison that he and Grace broke up. Lauren doesn’t believe it, but Madison says it’s true; they broke up because of ORAL SEX.  Lauren says it’s because Grace found out that Madison and Jack did “that.” Madison gives a guilty giggle.

Over at Ben’s his two baffs (best Asian friends 4-eva) rush in his room. The boy has the handcuffs attached to his shirt in some weird way as a nod to continuity. Anyway, the emergency is … Ben is going to break up with Amy. “Bologna,” says male baff knowingly. He doesn’t know if he really loves her or even wants to have sex with her anymore even though he just told her he did. He loves her, but he doesn’t want to hurt her. “This is going to kill her,” female baff says. He wonders if maybe Ricky and Amy shouldn’t get together and raise John. He’s no longer sure he’d be any good at raising another man’s baby.

Ricky professes his love to a snoozing Adrian. She professes it back.  Oh, they had sex.

Amy and Ashley talk in the room they’re sharing until Gay Griffin can make her garage fabulouuuus.  Amy admits that she was being stupid when she asked Ben if they could get engaged and live together. She just wants a do-over. Ashley tells her that she’s got to live the life she has, but that she can realize her dreams in a different way and that dreams are allowed to change.

Out in the hall, George is cuddling with Robbie who is now 3 weeks old and smiling.  “Whose boy are you?” George asks in that sing-song voice people use with babies. “Whose boy are yewwww?” Then he really takes a hard look at his newborn son and hurries to the mirror to compare their faces. “Whose boy are you?” he wants to know.

I suppose we’ll spend a few tension filled episodes figuring that out in season 3.

Ashley brightens our day with her gloominess re: moving into a room with Amy since she and George are moving back to Molly Ringwald’s. I totally agree with Ashley. It was suck living with Vile Amy.  Also? I’ve changed her name to A-ME! ‘cause it’s all about her. Anyway, George messes with Ashley’s mind for a few lines about how they can rearrange the sleeping situation – none of them favorable for Ashley, and then reveals that he’s spent the last few weekends fixing the garage so that Ashley now has her own place. Yes, you read correctly. 13 year old Ashley now has her own place, with her own entrance. Which, yay, Ashley!  Of the entire dysfunctional clan, she deserves it most. But from a parental standpoint? ARE YOU RUCKING KIDDING ME?  A-ME!, of course is furious that she and John didn’t get the space. I can see her point, but YOU’RE NO LORELAI GILMORE Amy Jergins, so suck it. Suck it hard.

Let’s stop talkin’, let’s get to it….           

Ashley’s not the only one moving. Adrian and her folks are as well. Remember? Right next door to Amy. Remember that drama?  Adrian’s in her current bedroom surrounded by packing boxes when Ricky enters to show off his new cell phone. He can get emails on his new cell phone. WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE GETTING ALL THIS MONEY? My husband makes a good living for us and I carry a Tracphone. Very technologically sound. It rings; I answer. Anyway, apparently he’s waiting around for an important email (from Amy with a list of all the stuff he has to buy for John) and also, would Adrian like to have sex one more time in her old room? What. The. Hell? Instead of knocking him on his ass Adrian reminds him that since he’s not willing to marry her EVER, she’s no longer giving it up for him. According to Adrian she’s through with casual sex – especially with him. She tells him good-bye. I predict this will last until she sees Ricky with another SLutty girl.

Over at Ben’s Ben is on the phone trying to talk A-ME! down from whatever hysterics she’s having. From the sounds of it she’s still furious about Ashley getting the garage. Natch A-ME! hangs up on him. Leo looks on then shakes his head sadly at his son’s future.  Jennifer “I REALLY Must Speak to my Agent” Coolidge rushes into Ben’s room to announce that she’s moving in!! Ben is actually sweet and non-condescending about it – until he points out that she’s practically living there anyway.  Jennifer “Has my Career Really Come Down to This?” Coolidge rushes off to help the movers. Leo’s excited about her living with them, but not so much about her stuff. I can only imagine. I’ll bet there’s lots of pink and fringe.

Josie Bissett meanwhile is looking chipper as she tries to hurry out of the house dead John Schneider built.  She bumps into Grace who wants to know where she’s headed to looking so chipper and stylish. She isn’t going on a date, is she? What? No! Don’t be silly. John Schneider hasn’t been dead 6 months yet. And yet she isn’t very forthcoming with her destination…. Hmmm… Brenda Hampton, your foreshadowing skills are sublime!  Finally Josie cops to distributing food to the homeless, and she’ll be home for dinner. Grace doesn’t looked convinced but she doesn’t have the time to dwell on it because Tom is on the horn telling Tammy to get her butt over there since they now have 7 hours of freedom. Tom is kind of rocking the bad boy thing.  Grace pulls the babysitter card and tells Tom no, she knows what he’s up to, and then she reminds us over and over that she’s never having sex again until she’s married. Tom says that she can say it as often as she wants, but no one’s going to believe her. TOM RULES! Slowly.

Grace leaves the room complaining of cramps and then immediately calls Jack to invite him over for 7 hours of unsupervised fun. “Does this mean we’re having sex again?” he asks. Grace smiles then tells him it’s not a good time (period), but they can talk about not having sex for 7 hours. Also, bring that book about how not to have sex. You know they totally did it in the church last week.

Back at A-ME!’s home she’s giving George shit about not getting the garage. It’s not fair. Molly Ringwald gets a dog that dials 911, Ashley gets the garage, George gets to move back in, and what does she get? A kick to the taint if she doesn’t quit her bitchin’, that’s what. Only that’s not what George said. That’s what I said. Also, that new SUV David gave her before Molly Ringwald used him and broke his heart.  GA-hD! Just how self-entitled is this biotch?!  Ashley comes in and she and A-ME! tell each other to shut up. George reminds them that they’re going to act like a real family that likes and respects each other. But then A-ME! reminds him that he’s no longer married to their mother and this whole thing is a farce. Then she makes a bitchface and leaves. HATE HER!!! Also, they’re getting rid of Moose, the dog who dials 911 because Molly didn’t want a dog in the first place. Both A-ME! and Ashley think that Molly will not take to kindly to giving up Moose. I agree with Ashley. A-ME! however, is dead to me.

Ashley asks George to take her furniture shopping. George goes on about how he forgot he and Molly Ringwald were divorced and how that will never do since the baby’s nearly here and all. Yeah, whatever. All this talk isn’t getting Ashley her furniture any faster.  George rushes off somewhere just as Ricky enters the kitchen carrying an armload of baby stuff for John.  He wants to know why A-ME!’s in such a rotten mood. Ashley asks how he can tell and I snicker. So does Ricky, but then he chides Ashley for speaking ill of his son’s mother. Ashley gives him the scoop. Ricky is pissed he had to run the errand from hell (bulk shopping) because Amy was mad about Ashley getting the big room. They talk more and then Ricky offers to take Ashley furniture shopping. Yeah, this isn’t going to turn out well.

I kid you not, PORN music is playing as we join Jennifer “I Shit Bigger than You” Coolidge in the Sausage King’s yard surrounded by her stuff. That is awesome. She’s having a yard sale apparently. HEE!  Among the things she’s selling: a dentist chair, red heels that “have hardly touched the floor,” hand cuffs, roller skates, and a mannequin hand.

John Schneider is rolling over in his urn as Grace and Jack make out in her room. She keeps stopping them because of her cramps.  Then she tells him it’s that time of the month. The painters are here. Aunt Flo has arrived. She fell off the roof. (Yes, she does say all of that!) “It sounds like your vagina is very busy,” Jack laughs. “Maybe I should come back.” Oh yes he di-id! Jack tells Grace he’s completely comfortable with bodily functions and she can go ahead and say “period.”  Jack also informs her that he’s entirely okay with having sex with her while she’s on her period. Grace sends him to the drugstore for tampons. Stellar!  On his way out Jack meets up with Tom who accuses him of heading to the store to buy condoms, Jack tells him to mind his own beeswax. Tom eyes Jack’s junk and asks if it still hurts from the time he threw a football at his nads.

Tom is convinced Jack and Grace are doing. It. Tammy points out that just because Grace and Jack are doing it, it doesn’t mean they have to follow suit. She asks him if everyone else was playing in traffic, would he? “If it. Would feel. Good. Yes,” Tom says. HEE!! He loves Tammy. He whannnnts her. Tammy likes his dirty talk, but she has to go.

Back at the yard sale Ben and his two BFFs Henry and Alice (who have participated in oral sex remember) join the fun.  Alice compliments Jennifer’s “fun stuff” and Henry grabs the handcuffs (a gift from a magician). Alice nixes his ideas. Also, in the background? Clear boots and what I think is a shepherdess outfit. We learn that Jennifer has a lot of “friends.” Because she’s an ex-hooker.  Ashley and Ricky pull up to the sale, and judging by the way Ashley’s looking at Ricky, Ben and I surmise that things are about to get a whole lot more interesting. Jennifer plunks the ukele she’s holding and sings “Rickyyyyyyyy.” Annnnd scene.

Back at A-ME!’s Molly Ringwald has clearly bonded with Moose and is upset that George has given Moose away.  George sees that her original argument for not having a dog makes sense, but Molly won’t hear of it now. She goes so far as to have Moose call 911 when the service comes to claim him. But that’s not all that’s going down. Downstairs in the kitchen A-ME! is unpacking the groceries Ricky bought, and she’s doing it with attitude. Stupid peanut butter! Stupid diapers! Stupid bulk purchases! Things go even farther down hill when she finds Ashley’s note saying that Ricky took her furniture shopping. George reads the note and has the same reaction. Hmmm… if Ricky gets Ashley pregnant Ashley’s baby with be both cousin and half-sibling to John.  Cool. George and Amy flip out and worry that Ashley’s going to get pregnant, then Adrian comes over to drop some boxes off or something. George wants to know where Ricky is. “Probably out looking for someone to have sex with,” Adrian says. Then she asks if anyone in that house knows about birth control and it’s kind of awesome.

Ricky and Adrian come home from garage saling and George rips into him. Ricky defends himself nicely and pretty much tells it like it is. Ashley is a no go zone. She’s his son’s aunt and therefore off limits in his mind.  Then he tells George he’s doing the best he can – getting a job and a place of his own, going to school, and giving every spare penny he can to Amy and John. He’s trying, and George doesn’t worry about him having sex with Ashley. It’s the other guys at school who are more than willing, and (and this is the best part!) if Ashley does wind up having sex it’s because George provided her with a place to do it: the newly renovated garage. “That’s because he trusts me completely,” Ashley says, but immediately realizes that her dad doesn’t. She looks stricken and leaves the room.

While all this drama is happening Jack is still buying tampons. While the pharmacist is checking for Grace’s brand of preference Jack overhears Josie talking to someone. Upon closer inspection we find out that “the homeless” is a hot looking guy and they’re standing in the condom aisle. Jack flees the scene.  Josie looks a little busted. Awkwaaaard.

Ricky and A-ME! are in the kitchen and she, too warns him not to have sex with Ashley. Ricky points out that Ashley’s smart and has probably learned a great lesson from A-ME! so even if he tried to have sex with her – which he won’t, she’d say no. Besides, she’s too young for sex. “I was too young to have sex,” Amy points out. “And you still made me do it.”  Ricky is quick to remind her that he didn’t make her do anything. They were making out and it led to “oops! I think we just had sex.” If he’d known they were going to have sex he would have brought a condom. They both messed up. Then they talk some more about why Amy’s angry all the time. Ricky tells her she’s a good mom, but that she might be taking her unhappiness out on John and it’s not fair. A-ME! tells us again how hard it is to be a teen mom, which Ricky points out is all the more reason to let him help out more. Then she brings up how she knows how he and Adrian broke up. Ricky says he and Adrian will hook back up, and if not her, then someone else, so Amy best prepare herself for other people holding John. “I really hate you,” she tells him. Ricky knows. Even when she’s being nice to him, he knows. He looks sad and hurt and leaves and Amy looks like she been told.

Across town where the ghost of John Schneider resides Josie is rinsing out her coffee mug and Grace is rising from her nap. Grace is crampy and hungry and thinks soup might be nice. Josie says she and Tom had drive through burgers(which Grace also thinks sounds nummy ‘cause she’s on her period y’all), and they brought one home for her but it’s probably not that good, so hey! Let’s go through the drive-thru again!!! It’ll be crazy fun!! “You Are. In. A good. Mood. Mom,” Tom informs us. Josie doesn’t know why she’s in a good mood. Feeding the homeless must have lifted her spirits!  Hurry up and get your jackets! Let’s go eat. While the chitlins run off to get their jackets, Josie dials Jack who is all “What drug store?” That’s cool of him. I like him in this episode. Except when he says “vagina.” I didn’t like that.  Tom returns with his jacket on and Josie is so happy that he asks who she’s having sex with. Josie’s suddenly not so chipper. She spills to both Tom and Grace that she’s met a guy. Tom’s happy for her. Grace however, hates her.

Ricky is pounding on Adrian’s door. He’s not going to let her break up with him. He wants sex and he wants it now. Whoa. Both Adrian and I are are not happy with the turn of events. She tells him again that since there’s no forever for them she doesn’t want to give it up. There’s actually some good acting in this scene. Ricky’s frustrations are from people only seeing the worst in him – it’s always poor Amy and never poor him when he has it just as rough. No one sees how hard he’s trying. No one gives him credit. Like Adrian who doesn’t give him credit for telling her the truth. He’s the bad guy because he told the truth. He doesn’t ever see himself in a lasting relationship.  Adrian wants him to respect her new take on things. She loves him and wants to go to therapy with him. Ricky doesn’t want to go to therapy; he just wants sex. Adrian turns him down again, but she’s in tears. “Maybe sometime,” she says. “But not now.” Ricky leaves.

Meanwhile George is looking for Ashley so he can explain himself. He trusts her, but he gets scared.  He doesn’t trust Ricky. Ashley tells us again that Ricky isn’t a bad guy. He’s trying to lift himself up and not be dragged down by his past. He deserves a chance. Also, she’s not thrilled about moving back in with Molly and A-ME! Especially A-ME! George tells her that she and Amy have to sort things out.

Ben is sitting in his new dentists chair (Jennifer had a dentist “friend.”) when Jennifer “S3rsly? I’m Stifler’s MOM and now this?!” Coolidge come into his room and thanks him talking her into leaving all her stuff behind. She was afraid to let it go in case things with Leo didn’t work out. Ben assures her that things will work out, but even if they didn’t Leo would never let her leave empty handed. Jennifer knows. That’s why Leo gave her a pre-nup.  She leaves as Leo enters (giving her a tap on dat ass). Leo also wants to thank Ben for talking her into giving up her stuff. Then Ben asks if he and A-ME! can have a sleepover. Failing that, can Amy move in with them since she’s having a hard time at home? Leo says, “Good night.” Which is parental code for have you lost your fucking mind?  Leo leaves and Ben’s phone rings. He closes the door and answers the phone with “Ciao.” Hmmm… methinks this might not be A-ME!

Ricky has left Adrian’s and is now back at the Jergins’s. He wants to speak with George, but George isn’t home. Ashley invites him in. The scene fades with Ricky totally undressing her with his eyes. Yeah, right. Like I’d believe that.

Jack brings up Grace’s burger and fries and calls her Miss Crampy. Grace is pissy and furious that Josie is now dating. Jack takes it all in stride and tries to tell Grace that her mom is… nice… and will be dating. She deserves to be happy. Tom comes to get Grace because Josie’s new boyfriend is downstairs.

Downstairs Josie and her new guy Jeff are in the kitchen. Jeff Segay to be precise. Dr. Segay. The brother of the man whose plane blew up and killed John Schneider. Niiiiiiiiiiiice. Tom is shocked. “You killed my dad?” he asks. “That was mechanical failure,” Josie reminds us all. “Miss Crampy’s busy vagina,” I shout at my television!! That’s what really killed poor John Schneider. Awesome sex. Josie and Jeff met at the attorney’s office when the insurance company was blah blah blah. Tom says to watch out for when Grace finds out about the dating. Jeff calls Tom buddy and Tom wants to know if Jeff plays football. Tom leaves and Jeff and Josie make out some and talk about when they’re gonna have sex.  Josie’s a Christian (he’s a Jew) and even though she might be ready, she has to be a parent tonight. Jeff tells her that Tom’s on the phone and that Grace is in her room with her boyfriend. So… what? They’re gonna do it in the kitchen? Is that what he’s getting at? Also, seriously? Dude, your plane killed this woman’s husband nearly 6 months ago and you’re trying to sleep with her?

Across town Molly Ringwald wakes up famished. She orders scratch pancakes with hot syrup and butter and a big tall glass of cold milk. George tells her she’s got it. Anything she wants for the rest of her life. Molly Ringwald tells Moose (who got a reprieve) that they had pancakes the night the baby was conceived. Ga-ross! I like I needed to know that. 

While George is making pancakes he sees Ricky and Ashley talking in the kitchen across the way. A few seconds later Ashley shows up and George begs her not to encourage Ricky to be anything other than a good guy and a good father. He knows he’s trying, but Amy couldn’t handle anything else. Ashley tells George that Ricky doesn’t love Amy; he loves Adrian.

Meanwhile Ben sits on his dentists chair and talks long distance to the Italian girl he totally had sex with. He looks a little nervous as we learn that she’s planning to visit this summer.

Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!

Don’t be afraid to talk to your parents about sex, kids. Next week, Molly Ringwald gives birth!

Anyway, Ben’s Asian (and only) friends rush up to him after Heather gives him her number and are all sorts of “hails no” re: Ben befriending yet another needy head case.  They remind him that his girlfriend is a total bizzotch and doesn’t allow him to have friends. Especially friends with vaginas. Especially friends with used vaginas. Naturally Vile Amy overhears this and demands to know all about it. Ben, if you’re not going to take my advice, I’m going to stop giving it. RUN BACK TO ITALY AND CHANGE YOUR NAME.

Falling in love… is such an easy thing to do….

Jack and Grace lead us in with some deceptive talk about “doing it.” Grace wants to; Jack doesn’t. Not sex you sicky silly geese!  Geesh! Is that all you think about?! They’re talking about confessing their sins to the Teen Abstinence Group. Oh, so yeah. It’s about sex. Jack repeats over and over that it’s a mistake, but Grace is going to get her way and we all know it. Then Jack tells us that his groin injury from last week is fine and Grace is shocked and embarrassed that he’d even consider masturbating.  Jack assures us it was just that once to make sure everything still worked and that it will never happen again. And then he grins and is genuinely cute with his, “Nah… it probably will.”

Elsewhere in Useless S. Grant High, Ashley is wearing her mother’s sexy nighty and staring longingly at a cute boy who is staring longingly back. She starts toward him, but is cut off by Gay Griffin who reminds her that she made a commitment to not date in high school.  Ashley’s would be suitor tells Griffin and Ashley that he’s not interested in merely dating her. He wants to marry her and have babies. In that order. And we’re not even 5 minutes in and my ire for Brenda Hampton has been stirred.  They talk a little bit about Gay Griffin’s gayness  but in the terms of it’s who you are, and being hetero is who I am. I just wanna ask the girl out and possibly walk her to class.  Ashley tells them they can both walk her to class. Gay Griffin compares it all to Gone With the Wind and Hetero Harvey is lost and Brenda makes Griffin meet the old movie loving/theme song singing stereotype as he tries to explain what GWTW was/is.

Ricky meets up with Ashley who has left her two men in the dust. He offers to double date with her and Harvy. He also says that Gay Griffin is a problem for those like Harvey who would want to ask Ashley out. If they can’t get past Griffin, then they don’t get to ask Ashley out.  Adrian walks up as they’re talking and gets excited when Ricky finally asks her OUT (remember, all they do is have sex) so she totally agrees to double with Ashley and the guy who’s going to ask her out. Which, oh hey! There he is and that he does and he even offers up his mom’s driving service as he’s a freshman and doesn’t drive.  Ashley looks over her shoulder to see Ricky and Adrian watching.

Naturally Adrian doesn’t trust Ricky’s motives and neither do I. Ricky confesses if Ashley and Adrian become friends Amy will come around and be friends with Adrian also. Oh silly, stupid Ricky.  Grace points out to Adrian that it will make Amy hate her more and Adrian finds this just delightful. “You and Amy can still be friends,” Grace pushes through Adrian’s glee. “No we can’t,” says Amy as she walks by. Then Grace pulls the focus back to Grace and suggests that Ricky and Adrian and Ashley and Harvey and Amy and Ben all come to her church’s Teen Abstinence Group program tonight.  Now that is one first date idea I’ve never heard of. Madison overhears the name “Jack” and butts in the conversation.  Grace invites her to hear herself and Jack talk about not having sex in church.  Because Jennifer “Get me out of this contract” Coolidge wasn’t there that day the writers gave Madison her line: “I’ve never thought, under any circumstances, that you should have sex in church.” Then she lists Grace’s clubs (Dead Parents Society, Teen Abstinence) and tells Grace that she should go back to cheerleading.

Lauren and Amy pediconference “on their way to class” about “that pregnant girl Heather.” Lauren takes offense to the term “that pregnant girl Heather” and chastises Amy saying that she should know better. Amy justifies it by telling Lauren that Heather asked Ben out. Lauren (who is winning my heart tonight) acts shocked and lays it out for Amy: find a sitter and go out or risk losing Ben to someone who isn’t such a shrewing harpy.  She might not have used those exact words, but that’s totally what she meant.  She even offers to babysit. Amy finally gives in but stipulates NO MADISON. Nice Amy. I’m not sure what Madison has done to lose Amy’s trust with John, but whatevs. You totally know Madison is going to wind up babysitting, too.

When Amy leaves Lauren spills to Madison that she’s babysitting and that Madison isn’t allowed to come over, so come on over. Drop something off, like candy. For the baby. Because they are both deeply stupid. Madison thinks that Lauren should cop out of babysitting and go with her to Grace’s little lecture about abstinence. “And what will Jack be talking about?” she wants to know. Madison gives her this cute little “I know but I’m not telling because we totally might have done it maybe” face.

Ben is pleasantly surprised when Amy tells him they’re going out tonight and that Lauren is watching John. It’s almost a happy moment but then Amy’s cell rings and it’s Molly Ringwald going on bed rest or something. Whatever it is, “that pregnant girl Heather” eyes Ben like a vegetarian eyes a room of pasta! Say what you want about looking a little too much like her father, Rumer plays “girl conniving to get your boyfriend” perfectly.

Ashley and Inappropriate George are at home mentally preparing to visit bedridden Molly Ringwald when Ashley asks if he minds if she goes out that night. “With your #1 gay?” George asks.  “Not at all.” Actually, Inappropriate George, it’s with Ricky and Adrian and Harvey whose name is Mark.  George looks concerned and even moreso when Gay Griffin bursts in telling Ashley that Mark is bad news and that Ricky and Adrian are sluts. “And my sister is?” Ashley demands. “A cautionary tale,” Griffin says. I giggle and then envision Ashley getting some disease and letting Griffin and his partner adopt her baby before she dies. Oh come on! Didn’t any of you watch Dawson’s Creek?! Ashley tells him to chill, that they’re going to some abstinence thing and Griffin’s all “any time you get a group of teens together talking about sex it leads to bad things.”

Inappropriate George barges into Molly Ringwald’s room to check on her and the baby. She assures him that they’re both fine as long as she stays on bed rest and that rather than have George stay home to help out she’ll hire a housekeeper for a few weeks. Umm… I thought times were tight for them…. But whatever.  George agrees too easily, then goes to scheme with Amy who tries to outscheme him. She sooo doesn’t want George to give up the house to Adrian’s family.  Amy announces that she’s going out tonight and George replies to the contrary, saying they’re all staying in to help Molly Ringwald. Amy again tells him that she’s going out with Ben because some pregnant girl is trying to steal him away. George hilariously asks if pregnant girls are Ben’s “thing” then once again denies Amy. Amy pulls the “I’m 16 with a baby. I can do what I want.” And George rebukes her with, “You’re 16 with a baby. I think we’ve already established that you make bad decisions!” And my heart sings!!! Then George stomps over to his house to lay down the law with Ashley as well.

Amy is furiously folding laundry when her cell rings. It’s Ben with an idea for a romantic night at the beach with a picnic basket and jazz music and what? Is he totally middle-aged? Amy asks him how soon he can pick her up.  Ben grins.

In Dead John Schneider’s kitchen Tom and his girlfriend Tammy are talking about how much they don’t want to go to Grace’s meeting in the church. Tom says they have to go because Josie wants them to not have sex. Tammy says that it’s not Josie’s decision. “I know,” Tom soothes her. “But it might be funny.” Heheheh. Jack enters the kitchen and tells Grace again that he’s not going to talk tonight – especially in front of Tom who might groin him again.  Grace says that maybe God will move him to speak. Jack ignores this and also asks that Grace not use his name when she talks about the awesome sex they had that killed John Schneider. Wow. He really is dumb.

Slutty Adrian is trying to convince Ricky not to go to Grace’s lecture since Ashley can’t go and they don’t have to chaperone. She wants to stay home and have more sex because she’s a slut. She tries to suggest they have sex before they go to church. Ricky suggests that hearing Grace talk about sex will make him want to come home and have sex.  Adrian bullies him into pre-church sex  and then makes him promise to actually take her out later. On a date.

Back at Vile Amy’s she’s preparing a bottle for John and telling Ashley that she’s babysitting John until Lauren gets there. Ashley reminds her that Inappropriate George cancelled all plans for that evening and that she needs to stop being a bitch. Only she didn’t say bitch.  Amy fights with her a little and then Lauren comes to the door. Amy puts on a smile but Ashley erases it when she totally outs Amy for trying to use Lauren. Pissed Lauren tells Amy that her parents already don’t like her and that it’s unfair to make her get involved in this drama. Then she rubs Amy’s face in the fact that she and Madison will now be attending Grace’s no sex meeting.  Furious Amy then tells Ashley that she is now babysitting John. Then Ben shows up and Ashley outs Amy again. It’s awesome. And then George shows up with a seeing eye dog and tells Ben to go home. I KNOW! One, WTF? And two, like this show needed another element and this family needed one more helpless creature to neglect?

Molly Ringwald is furious! She wanted a housekeeper. Not a dog.

Okay. The introduction Grace gets at the TAG meeting? Priceless. “And now I turn tonight’s meeting over to someone we all know has had sex: Grace Bowman!”  Also awesome? No one claps.  In the audience Tom calls Adrian and Ricky over to sit by him and Tammy and Mark is grumbling that everyone thinks he’s gay because he’s there with Gay Griffin. Griffin informs him that he (Mark) is gay. Grace opens her lecture with a poem to Jesus.

I’m sorry Jesus

By Grace Bowman

I’m sorry Jesus, but I had sex.

I don’t know what happened. It’s so complex.

I promised that I’d wait until I was wed, and then

Despite that promise I ended up in bed. (Cue Jack covering his face and Ricky looking delighted.)

I never thought anything could feel so good.

I thought that wives just did it because they should.

But after all was said and done,

I did feel guilty for having so much fun.

So now I’m focusing on being a surgeon

As a way of not focusing on not being a virgin.

Her poem is met with thundering silence. Grace tries to laugh it off with bad jokes. “You’re not funny,” Tom heckles. “Boo,” says Tammy. The rest join in. Ben’s male Asian BFF gets a woody. Grace is still going to witness because even if she helps one person it’s worth it. The booing continues until Ricky tells everyone to shut up and listen. I’m not sure Adrian is going to like that.

Meanwhile, George’s dog (that was rejected from the Seeing Eye Academy btw, but can totally dial 911) has dialed 911 and now the paramedics are standing in Molly Ringwald’s bedroom. Oh, the hilarity.

Ben who was sent away from Amy’s house is not sitting on the front porch steps with “that pregnant girl Heather.” Heather wants some reassurance that life is going to be okay. And just like that she and Ben are buddies. Amy is going to be so. Pissed.

But Amy doesn’t know about that yet because she and George are having a heart to heart about how Amy’s not grown up. It’s actually a pretty good monologue about doing what’s best for the family as a starting point for doing what’s best for the world. He says that if she’d come to him and said, “I was going to go out with Ben tonight but I think I’ll stay home and help mom,” then he’d believe that she was growing up.  Then he says a line that I’m totally stealing to use on my girls: “When you disrespect me, then I lose respect for you.” Y’all, George is being all kinds of good dad right now. Amy points out that George has been selfish and stupid lately, too, and George reminds her that they’re talking about her right now. Then Ben interrupts by knocking. He apologizes for dropping by and says that he tried to call. “Yeah,” Amy says as she rolls her eyes. “Couldn’t pick up. Someone was talking to me.” That right there would have earned me a trip to jail because I would have been all over her ass.  Snotty little bitch. Ben asks for a minute with Amy.  “She’s all yours,” George says in a way that very much tells me that he wishes to God Amy were gone with Ben at that moment. Snotty little bitch.

Ben immediately confesses to taking “that pregnant girl Heather” out as a friend, but after listening to her he knows he can’t be the friend she needs. Sucks to be Rumer Willis I guess.   “I went up against my dad for you and you betray me?!” Amy asks. “You went up against your dad because you were insecure about our relationship… and risked the respect of your family,” Ben informs her because he’s about 45 and wise in the ways of the world or some shi’. Amy looks chagrinned. Ben wants to play truth or dare and Amy takes the dare, but we don’t get to see the dare because we have to go check in on TAG’s poet laureate Grace.

In closing Grace takes responsibility for her having sex with Jack. As she natters on the camera pans out to reveal a room that empty except for Grace and Jack. Grace says she regrets doing it, but Jack doesn’t think she does. He also drank the wise water and says that Grace wishes she regretted it so she wouldn’t be thinking about doing it again which she totally is. Jack confesses that he wants to do it again, too. Grace tells Jesus that she’s sorry and then she and Jack totally make out while Tom and Tammy wait for them in the car.

Having escaped Grace’s lecture Adrian and Ricky are sitting on a couch somewhere stunned. Ricky jokes that it’s a good thing they had sex before the meeting because he doesn’t feel much like it now. Adrian agrees and says that she’s starting to realize that Grace might not be all wrong about waiting until marriage (little does she know that Grace and Jack are probably boning as she epiphanizes).  Adrian wants to know if there’s any chance that she and Ricky will make it – get married and raising a family?  Ricky doesn’t. In fact, he doesn’t see himself married to anyone and raising a family. Not even Amy. Adrian is hurt and disappointed by his revelation, and honestly tells him that she wants to have sex with guys who could potentially be her husband – not just phuckbuddies. She wants to see other people.  Ricky returns her earlier threat to stalk her and cites that she just had her dad buy George’s house. Adrian admits it was a mistake.

And speaking of George’s house, Mark is knocking on the door in search of Ashley. His mom is waiting in the car with Gay Griffin and Mark was kind of hoping for some touch from Ashley so his mom wouldn’t think he’s gay. Ashley says she’s not going to kiss him and if he’s homophobic he can just stay away from her. Also, she’s still in her mother’s sexy lingerie. Ashley then accuses him of using his mother to get her to kiss him. Mark looks hopeful.

Mark’s mother meanwhile is in the car with Griffin talking about how self-confident he is. We learn that Griffin got beat up a lot in elementary school so his dad put him in boxing to give him confidence and skills.  Griffin says what he wants is a boyfriend. Mark’s mother looks worried until Griffin assures him that Mark is straight and totally hard for Ashley. She looks relieved but doesn’t say anything so Griffin tells her that she should have said something about people not being defined by their sexual preferences. Then we learn that Griffin’s 2 older brothers were also gay, so pretty much everyone in his family is cool with him as is.

Amy is across town or out in her driveway or wherever counseling  Rumer “that pregnant girl Heather” Willis about having a baby. Rumer doesn’t have anyone except Demi and Ashton and Tallulah and Scout and Bruce and his girlfriend to help her through this pregnancy. Amy offers to up the services of the entire town and then hugs her. I’m thinking that Rumer’s baby is going to be adopted by George’s lovable gay assistant and his partner. Who wants to bet?

Inside Amy’s house George and Ben are talking about how frustrating Amy is. George is at wit’s end and Ben says her whacked out selfish behavior is why he loves her. He says she has a heart of gold – and if she channels all that in the right direction she’s going to be one hell of a wife.  Amy enters and kisses Ben goodnight/bye and then sits next to George for a little heartfelt 1:1. It seems her discussion with kicked out and pregnant Rumer has made Amy realize how much she has.  She thanks him for standing by her all these years. George assures her there are plenty more ahead. Then he asks where Ashley is.

“Outside on the porch making out with some guy,” Amy tells him gleefully. “It’ll be nice to have a son, huh?” she asks.

“Yep,” George agrees.

Fade out on Molly Ringwald and her new dog catching a nap.

Sooo… George and Ashley are moving back home, (does that mean that Adrian’s dad actually bought George’s house? If so, awkwarrrrd. Especially since George and Adrian’s mom hooked up. I wonder when that’s going to come up?)  Ashley’s not thrilled to be back home because John has taken her room  so she doesn’t know where she’ll be sleeping. Hey! Let’s piss Amy off by moving John into her room. It’ll be such a change to watch her complain.  When asked by George what her problem is Ashley accuses him of dating on the sly and then stops out with her camera to take pictures of her pregnant mother so that she can start Internet dating.  Oh, migawd.

Let’s stop talking, let’s get to it…

At la casa de la morte de John Schneider, Horny and Hopeful Jack is screwing (ha!! See what I did there?) in some cabinet doors. Slooow Tom comes in and five minutes later informs us that he. Can fix. The……doors.   Grace “Awesome Sex Kills” enters the room and tries to console Tom with the whole doctor touch thing she was rocking back in episode 7.  Sloow Tom awesomely pulls his shoulder away from her touch. “I told you to keep your paws off of me.”  He storms out.  Grace is worried that they’ve upset Tom because dude can hold a grudge apparently. Then she says they have to hurry so they can pick up Madison.  Jack looks nervous and I start wondering why he’d look so nervous until I remember that he and Madison were members of the Dead Dad’s Society and probably spent some time together over the summer while Grace and Madison’s ex-boyfriend were at Camp Future Malpractice Candidate. That probably means that Grace is afraid they had sex because all people think about and want and do in this whacked out city is sex related.  Josie Bissett enters the room and is told about Tom’s bad mood and she is appropriately concerned because an angry Tom is a forced to be reckoned with apparently. They all agree it’s been building since Jack and Grace had their one perfect until it killed John Schneider night together, however Jack thinks he can temper the storm by passing the football with Tom later on that day.

Jack and Grace leave and on cue Tom enters the kitchen hell-bent on destroying Jack. Which is awesome. Josie Bissett says there’s plenty more around the house Tom can do like… vacuum the house. “Get a housekeeper,” Tom snorts. “I’m a man, dammit.” Josie and I are stunned at his language but before we can chastise him he runs off.

Over at Adrian’s place Adrian is furious that Amy called her a SLut – and that’s just how she says it. SL-ut. She’s indignant and I’m amused because Adrian, the common term for common women is indeed “slut.” I like you and all, but you know what you’re doing in terms of manipulation, so don’t act all surprised when someone gets a little mouthy with you. Even if that someone is Vile Amy. Rupert tells Adrian that she is at fault for upsetting Amy and that she needs to be smarter about this and that she has 30 days to pack up her slutty stuff because that’s when they get to start being “good neighbors” to the incredibly dysfunctional Jergins. Yeah. That isn’t going to be awkward at all.

Adrian teleports to Useless G. High School where she’s in the eternal hallway waiting to apologize to Amy.  She asks Ricky why he won’t stand up for her, or at the very least take Amy to court to get shared custody. Ricky doesn’t want to involve the courts because that will mean CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS. We find out that he gives her $50 a week and Adrian is appalled that he gives her money at all. Ummm… Adrian? Yeah. HE SHOULD GIVE THE WOMAN RAISING HIS CHILD MONEY. Amy walks toward them and Ricky pleas with Adrian one last time not to screw things up for him, then he disappears.

Adrian prepares herself to make the apology – even going so far as to compliment Amy’s outfit. “You look nice, too. Slut,” Amy says, and OH GIRL I WOULD HAVE HAD YOU ON YOUR ASS. Adrian immediately changes her tune and I’m guessing the apology is now a distant intent. They bicker and Amy calls Adrian a slut a few more times. I think Adrian shows remarkable restraint – except that she starts gloating about moving in next door to Amy so now whenever Ricky’s visiting John he can carry him over to Adrian’s house any. Time. He. Wants. Amy says that her dad just might break the agreement now that Molly Ringwald’s dating. “Your pregnant mother’s dating?” Adrian snorts. “And you’re calling me a slut?”

Gruff Coach Counselor intervenes before the hair pulling can start and orders the girls to their separate corners. Adrian stomps away, but Amy is ready to brawl and decides to take on the coach. He threatens both Amy and Adrian with suspension and brings up the fact that they’re going to be neighbors. He starts to storm away, but Amy calls him back and starts sparring with him all smug like, spouting shit about how the football team is full of cheaters and how it’s the band that’s won competitions and NOT the football team.  Then she accuses the coach of having something against her because she’s a teen mother. Meanwhile her “boyfriend” and sister and that random guy who ran the fake i.d. booth last season watch and make bets as to whether or not Amy’s going to cry.  When it starts getting really heated Ben decides to intervene and tells Gruff Coach Counselor that Amy’s on crack – which is phenomenal. Then he backpedals and blames it on hormones, which he hears are like crack. Amy tells him to stop defending her. The coach orders her to his office and Amy’s shocked to learn that he’s now a counselor. BURN, AMY!!!! Looks like Amy’s gonna cry.

The bell rings which in Useless S. Grant High signals nothing but a scene change and this time it’s with Madison and Lauren (aka Frick and Frack interchangeably). They’re discussing the meeting of the Dead Parent’s Society which were in fact dates. DOH! Jack approaches them and Lauren leaves so Jack and Madison can talk about how now that Grace is back their “meetings” are over. Madison gets it. She’s out. Y’all, I like Madison and Jack together. Jus’ sayin’. “Why is it that all my boyfriends break up with me?” Madison wants to know just as Grace walks up behind her. Jack looks busted. Madison tries to cover and then runs away, but Grace knows.  Grace knnnnoooooooows. Grace stomps away and straight into a happy, happy, slutty Adrian.

Grace and Adrain talk for 3 seconds about Grace’s suspicions about Jack and Madison. Adrian dismisses them and then spills the news that Amy’s probably going to be suspended for calling her a slut and for squaring off against Coach Counselor. She’s thrilled. Grace is mortified. “But you are a slut,” she starts to say. Then she is the conscience of the show and tells Adrian that she’s responsible for riling Amy up enough to argue with a teacher. Adrian doesn’t care and schools us on the etiquette of smack talk: someone calls you a slut, the next step is to call their mother a slut. Duh. Who didn’t learn that in kindergarten? Besides, according to Adrian everyone’s a slut at one time or another. Even Grace. Grace is appalled and says she’s not a slut, Madison is a slut. “Oh, so she finally told you,” Lauren says walking up to the fun. Then she tries to play it off as Madison was slutty with her brother, but Grace isn’t buying it because Lauren’s brother and she were at Future Malpractice Camp together and he said that he and Madison weren’t “doing it.” “He was just trying to sleep with you,” Lauren says and then refuses to gossip more about her brother and best friend. Y’all. Lauren kind of rulez!

In Gruff Coach Counselor’s office he’s explaining to Amy why she’s being suspended for one day. They’re interrupted by Molly Ringwald’s call and Coach gives Molly this awesome speech about not tolerating disrespect to students or staff and how he doesn’t care what she and Inappropriate George allow in their home, but it’s not allowed in his school. Molly asks him if he’s suggesting they allow their children to be disrespectful to them in their home and MY HEAD BLOWS UP because YES, YOU DUMB SLUT, this is exactly what you allow. She asks to speak to Amy who immediately lies that she only got into with Adrian because Adrian called Molly a slut. LIAR. Molly doesn’t care. She doesn’t even care about Amy’s suspension and instead wants to talk about how she got a date for that evening and how when she picks her up for her suspension they’re heading straight to the mall so that she can get a new outfit.

OH.

MY.

GAWD!

A smiling Amy passes Ricky and Adrian. Ricky tells Adrian she should be ashamed of herself and that if she doesn’t apologize to Amy he’s never coming near her again. Adrian threatens to stalk him and walks away.

We time warp a few hours to after school and are now in Dead John Schneider’s kitchen. Grace is still going on about Madison to Josie. Josie wisely says that if you don’t trust someone in your relationship then you shouldn’t be in a relationship and the we learn that JOSIE CHEATED ON GEORGE!!! OMG!  And that’s part of the reason they got divorced. The other part is that he probably cheated on her. Slow Tom comes into the kitchen demanding Jack! He wants Jack! He wants to throw the football! Look Tom. Chill with the bi-polar already. Anyway, he demands that Grace text Jack right the minute so that he’ll arrive immediately after football practice. Jack buddy? RUN FROM THIS FAMILY!

Is anyone surprised that Inappropriate George is proud that his daughter finally stood up for herself and got herself suspended? Yeah.   He and Ashley blather on about dating and I zone out and wonder if a neck lift is really a viable option for my age group.

Then it’s Adrian and Ruben’s turn to talk about Amy’s suspension. Adrian assures him that she tried but that Amy was a totally biotch and earned the smack down she gave her. Ruben tells Adrian that she needs to improve her public face and then insists that she apologize to Amy that very night. I don’t understand why this is all on Adrian – I mean yeah, she provoked it, but Amy is not innocent by any means. Plus, I hate Amy.

Back at Grace’s Tom intentionally throws a CGI football at Jack’s junk and IT. IS. INCREDIBLE!! “Was that enough follow-through?” he wants to know as a stricken Jack rolls on the ground.  “GROIN INJURY!” Grace yells. Grace and Josie were right to worry about Tom’s wrath. Tom is vindictive. I likey!

Ashley’s holding John who – I’m sorry, I’m not one of those warm fuzzy persons who think all kids are cute. This kid is not cute and at certain angles looks more like Tom than he does Ricky if you get what I’m saying. Anyway, she’s holding John and Molly Ringwald comes in to show off her “My teen-aged mother daughter got suspended today and all I got was this stupid outfit” outfit.  Now Ashley’s trying to dissuade Molly from going on her date and Molly’s all, “you told me to do this.” And I’m all, “Are you seriously taking advice from an emo 13 year old?!” Then it hits me that hey! George has a date and Molly has a date. Hmmmm… what a French farce this show is.  Hands up if you think it’s going to be with each other.  Suck it, Brenda Hampton and inept writing staff. I’ve totally figured out your formula.

Ashley leaves her slutty mom and goes to the kitchen to tell Amy that John’s hungry. Amy grumbles as she fixes John’s bottle because she had a bad day. Like it’s John’s fault. How dare his John egg be released the very day she decided to have unprotected sex with this guy she sort of knew from band!! There’s a knock at the door and it’s Adrian back to apologize. Ashley takes the bottle and scoots on out of there because Adrian scares her.

Adrian tries once more to apologize – even if it is backhanded and Amy stonewalls her so Adrian gets pissed again and wackiness ensues as Amy points out that having a baby with Ricky makes the two of them more bonded than Adrian continually having sex with him.  Adrian thinks that’s an interesting point and one she might have to discuss with her friend Ben.  HEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHE. Amy’s face falls because she knows that Ben wants sex and Adrian is willing to provide it if it suits her. Then Adrian strikes an even harsher note saying that Ricky won’t ever love Amy because she ruined his life. Good night. I SAID GOOD NIGHT!!

“You sure told her,” Ashley notes. Then she ruins the moment by bringing up how she really thinks her parents need to get back together. Then they blah blah blah about how everyone feels sorry for John when they find out  Amy’s his mother. I mean when they find out his mom is an un-wed teen and blah blah blah. “I wish I could get married,” Amy says. “To Ben, right?” Ashley asks and Amy looks away. Dun dun dunnnnn…

Speak of the horny devil who might have had Italian sex but I can’t be sure nor bothered very much to care because GAH I hate Brenda Hampton! Ben is having dinner with Leo who hands him a post card from Italy.  Ben can’t read Italian and Leo’s like didn’t you learn anything over there, and Ben’s all, culturally? And Leo’s all, if it’s anything else I don’t want to know, and neither does Amy. And I totally agree. BEN. IF YOU HAD SEX AND ARE NOT CARRYING A DISEASE, DON’T TELL AMY!!!  “Or anyone else,” Leo finishes for me. Tru dat, Leo. No bitch in this town can keep a secret.  Then dumbass Ben all but admits to having sex in Italy when he asks if the post card mentioned him having sex in Italy.

Jennifer “FUCKAWESOME” Coolidge returns from the restaurant’s restroom going on about the nice towels and some vague shit and then is given some stupid line about being a regular in this classy restaurant and how she’s never been regular before. Brenda Hampton! Do you not realize the gem you have here?! Do you want to drive her away like you did John Schneider?! BETTER LINES OH MY GAWD!!! Betty tells Ben that he obviously learned how to talk to women over the summer and better yet, he obviously learned to keep his big trap shut because a woman doesn’t need to know every single thing, ya get what she’s saying? Let me spell it out for you, Ben. DON’T TELL AMY YOU HAD ITALIAN SEX.

Adrian and Ricky have just finished some robust sex making. Ricky asks her again about apologizing to Vile Amy and again she tells him she said she was sorry over and over and that she and Amy have come to an understanding. Heh. Then Amy ruins it all with her phone call. Adrian rolls her eyes and leaves and Ricky and Amy tell each other again that they love Adrian/Ben and it would never work out between the two of them. They both look a little sad.  Blah. I don’t care.

When Adrian gets home Ruben is there to get on her about being out late on a school night and then about apologizing and trying to get her to look at the bigger picture. Adrian’s all, “You wouldn’t tell the victim of a mugging that he’d have to suck it up and get along with a mugger would you?!” Then she’s all, “I hate Amy Jergins and that makes me honest and brave for saying it.” Right there with you, messed up, slutty girl with glossy glossy lips!

Meanwhile Jack and his groin injury are still in fetal position on Grace’s couch. Apparently he’s going to spend the night. Really? It’s been at least 2 hours since Tom nailed his ‘nads and he’s not able to drive home? As a mother I’m calling b.s.. Of course, I’ve never been racked in the balls, so I wouldn’t know, but still. I bleed monthly and I’m still able to participate in life. Anyway Grace says that if he’s still in fetal position in the morning she’s going to insist he go to the ER.  And, if he had a “momentary indiscretion” with Madison this summer, she forgives him. And even if his penis is dysfunctional after Tom’s Revenge she’ll still marry him. RUN JACK!! RUN!! She kisses him good night and leaves. Tom slinks into the room to menace Jack. “If. You. Marry. My. Sister. You’re. Marrying. Me.”

Then it’s Ben talking to Amy about how amazing she was today with the suspension and all and how amazing everyone thinks she is what with the getting pregnant at 15 and sticking it out and going to school and holding a job.  Really Ben? That’s what they say? Have they even met Amy?! Then he transitions into how she’s so amazing that he has no doubts that she’ll find a way to work things out with Adrian. Amy gets snippy and rightly so because he was totally buttering her up even though he denies it. Ben tells her he loves her and that she’s wonderful. “Thanks,” Amy says shortly. “I love you, too. Bye.” But it’s all in that whatever  tone so SHUT UP, AMY!

Ashley is in the living room hiding from her sister/studying/waiting for Molly Ringwald to return from her date.  Turns out? Molly’s date? Totally GEORGE. I am shocked! Shocked I tell you!!!  The date went well, Molly’s having a boy, and Amy walks in demanding to know what she missed.

“Nothing,” Ashley says quickly knowing that Amy will totally lose her shit when she finds out that George is definitely selling the house next door.

I can’t wait for that to happen.

Currently, Ben gets home from Italy and texts Henry and Alice (his Asian best friends) who are sexting? I don’t know, but Alice  (who is dressed in lingerie and alone in bed) looks happy about it. They don’t text him back.  Ben opens his side table drawer (which is suspiciously low on condoms. Looks like Leo and Jennifer “I Really Need to Speak to my Agent” Coolidge got a little bizzy over the summer.  Ben unpacks this and that into the drawer and the pauses and smiles down at a picture of him and some girl on a moped. The girl isn’t Amy, and Ben looks happy. Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Meanwhile Amy and her kid sit at the kitchen table waiting for a call from Ben. When it doesn’t come she checks her watch and looks really insulted.

Then? In Jack’s bedroom, he’s practicing football and breaks a window.

And? Grace is home from Doctor Camp and now knows everything about everything and proceeds to chew Tom out about his choice of a Sundae as a snack. “Do you know there are 1,700 calories in that?!” she shrews? He wins my heart as he plops another scoop in the bowl and says, “And now there are 2,000.”

Ricky calls Adrian to say goodnight. She offers sex before school tomorrow, he agrees. They hang up and some random guy comes into her room complaining because she’s making him leave. Back at Ricky’s some random booty call shows up. The respect between them is palpable.

Across town Amy has fallen asleep waiting for Ben’s call. Not a good sign, people.

Let’s fall in love….

It’s the first day of school and Amy is in the kitchen with John and I’m excited because a new school year means a new attitude, right? We’ve had enough of Amy’s crapitude, haven’t we? Surely the summer will have given her perspective, right? Sure, she’s almost 16 and has a baby, but she also has a supportive family and friends, and a job with full benefits, and a rich boyfriend and a baby daddy who wants to be involved. She’s gotta realize how lucky she is, right?  

So Amy still hates her life. Ben hasn’t called in two weeks and her life is crap.  CRAP, I say! Molly Ringwald tells her to suck it up and look out for Ashley since it’s Ashley’s very first day in high school and she isn’t as confident as she looks. Amy rolls her eyes and reminds us that she was pregnant on her first day of high school and came through it just fine. Molly doesn’t let her off the hook, but tells her that she and Ben will figure things out. “You’ve been saying that all summer,” Amy snits – and I have to say this: John looks a little bit Downs in this scene. Cute enough, I guess, but he’s just got this look. David enters the kitchen and stupidly says, “Good morning, Amy.” She gives him the look of death and informs him that it’s not a good morning and then she and John leave. You know, writers? I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but if you want to make Amy a sympathetic character, if you want people to feel sorry for her plight and worry about her relationship with Ben, then freakin’ write her as a more sympathetic character. Show her enjoying time with her son. Show us Ben and Amy having fun, or a tender moment that isn’t sandwiched between some idiotic fight or misunderstanding. Because right now she could die and I’d only be upset because it’d hurt Molly Ringwald. Jes sayin’.

Speaking of Molly Ringwald, David wants to go to the house they’re building, but she’s putting him off for some reason. This doesn’t bode well I’m afraid. He wants to move before the baby comes. She changes the subject to Ashley’s first day of high school which segues nicely into Ashley and George’s kitchen where Ashley and George are washing breakfast dishes. George tells Ashley, “Don’t come home pregnant today.” He’s worried that she won’t make any friends, but  Ashley doesn’t claim to want or need any. Then he’s worried that her clothes are a little too casual. She tells him that she was going for comfort. You’ll see why this exchange is important later.

Back at Molly Ringwald’s house Vile Amy and David are packing up for the day. David is trying valiantly to keep a conversation with her going, but she’s not making it easy. He tells her that he loved school. She loved it too, she tells him, but then she (I really need a macro for this) got pregnant at 15, had a baby, and now it’s not as much fun as it used to be. Gawd. She is truly heinous. I hate her and I want to smack her face until it loses that bitchpression. Why do people let her think that this is acceptable behavior? ANYWAY, George tells her that since he and Molly Ringwald are getting married and having a baby he’s going to be around forever and it might go easier if maybe he and Amy were friends. She crosses her arms and informs him that she has friends. Yeah, George agrees, but he feels a little weird about giving her a car when they aren’t actually friendly and I completely lose. My. Shit.

Why is she being rewarded for her behavior?! Seriously?!! She had sex at band camp with a guy she only sort of knew, she hid her pregnancy, she screwed with a bunch of people’s emotions (I want to give up the baby, I want to keep it, I don’t want to keep it, but I don’t want *them* to adopt it so I guess I will keep it), she’s treated everyone horribly since then, and for all this someone gives her a car?!! I know it’s fiction, but damn. Things like that rile me up.

Okay. I’m better now. Amy looks surprised and happy at David’s offer and instantly changes her tone with him. He admits to bribing her into trying a little harder to get to know him, but they both seem fine with that so whatever.  It turns out Molly Ringwald knows about the SUV with all leather interior, but George doesn’t, which seems weird, but again, I’m totally zen about this show and will not let it shorten my lifespan with its completely foul characters, inane dialogue, and improbably situations.

Back at The Sausage King’s house Ben is passed out on his bed and Leo opens his door and wakes him up. Ben is totally jet-lagged, but Leo has no sympathy. He wanted to stay the extra week and now he’s got to pay the piper. I kind of totally love Leo. Leo doles out some getting over the jet lag advice and then asks if Ben’s talked to Amy yet. In a long monologue Ben tells us that he spent most of his paycheck fighting with Amy using international rates. He loves her, but he wanted a break from her constant bitchery.  (My word, not his.) Leo’s a little concerned about these developments, but listens as Ben questions why exactly he and Amy have to work so hard at their relationship. Ben doesn’t think he needs to work so hard, that good relationships should just happen.  Ben. Ben, Ben, Ben, Benny Ben, delusional Ben – good relationships take work, but work doesn’t = daily fighting. What you have with Vile Amy sucks and you need to move on. But you won’t. But you need to. But you won’t. Drama queen.

Back in Molly’s kitchen Ashley enters wearing her comfortable outfit that is totally not slutty and Amy doesn’t approve. There’s this whole exchange about how first impressions matter, and Ashley’s all, “high school’s just a 4 year legal obligation unless and until I pass the GED” and Molly’s all, “okay.” And my parents would have been so far up in my grill at me shrugging off the importance of high school, but then again, this is Brenda Hampton’s world and Brenda Hampton needs to up her meds. Amy insists that Ashley change, Molly tries to persuade her to change, and then Amy changes the subject back to how miserable her life is except for that shiny SUV she’ll be returning home to and Molly is totes confused.  Uh-oh. A confused Molly is never good.

In Dead John Schneider’s kitchen Grace is packing her rolling backpack and going on about back injuries until a disgruntled Tom tells her to shut her hole and that no one can stand to hear her talk since she got back from Doctor Camp. Slow Tom is growing on me. Tom’s girlfriend Tammy shows up and right away endears herself to me by giving Grace even more attitude. Grace touches Tammy’s shoulder and gets in her face and asks how she’s doing. It’s creepy.  She explains to them it’s how doctors instill confidence. What the hell kind of Doctor Camp was this?  My doctor instills confidence by knowing her shit and making sure I get the treatment I’m meant to get. If she touched my shoulder and spoke to me like I’m special needs I kick her ass. Metaphorically.  “Don’t practice on us until you have a license,” Tammy says. Slowly. Then she and Tom send Grace to school so they can have some special alone time. Grace looks suspicious, wondering if they have permission, but they rightfully tell her to butt out and are pretty much slowly awesome. 

Jack arrives at the kitchen and is greeted by an eager Grace. She kisses him like she forgot that their incredible first time love making didn’t cause the plane crash that killed her father. Then she puts her hand on his shoulder and asks him by name how he’s doing. He is appropriately creeped out as well, and gets even more uncomfortable when she spouts some shit about 40% of the sports injuries being groin related. Much to his discomfort she advises him to make sure he wears a cup. Not that it matters since just 3 months ago she swore of sex possibly forever, even if they did get married. Then he makes fun of her rolling pink bookbag a little bit and she reminds him once more to avoid groin injuries. She also tells him that Madison (Frack) and her boyfriend broke up because Madison lacked focus. “She’s a sophomore,” Jack shrugs. “Exactly,” says Grace as she heads out to the car.  After she leaves Tom comes out to ask Jack if he has a condom handy. Jack says if Tom needs a condom to have sex with Tammy then he needs to supply his own or something. Turns out it was a trick question and just a way to let the viewers know that Jack still wants premarital sex with Grace. Or something. I lost interest so I sort of started looking at my nails.

In Adrian’s bedroom she and Ricky are thanking each other for some morning sumpin’ sumpin’.  Ricky’s not sure what he liked best about the summer, working at the butcher shop or having sex with Adrian over the butcher shop. Adrian jokes that she’d better win this comparison and then Ricky gets annoyed that she keeps trying to turn everything into a commitment. Excuse me, Ricky. Weren’t you the one last season who told her you wanted a commitment? What happened with that? Did Amy’s writers get a hold of your character? Adrian wants him to tell her he loves her. Ricky doesn’t want to say it and wants to know why she’s all “tell me you love me.” Turns out she talked with Ben last night and he’s thinking about breaking up with Amy and she doesn’t want Ricky to take Amy back when she runs to him. Ricky hears blah blah blah I talked to Ben and gets all possessive and “I told you not to talk to him” and “you’d better not have sex with him. I thought we had an agreement.” Wow. That’s not potentially abusive at all. Ricky says if she sleeps with anyone besides him he’ll never had sex with her again and she tells him the same thing. She tells him that he can’t keep being promiscuous because he was sexually abused as a child and that it’s time to be responsible for his own actions. Then she tells him she’s not looking the other way this year. They repeat themselves a few more times just to drive home how unhealthy their relationship is and then warn each other they’d better not talk to the opposite sex at all, and then smirk because they’ve reached an agreement because they’re in lurve. I hate that there are teenagers out there watching this who think that this is how a healthy relationship works. It’s not sexy, y’all. It’s icky.

Henry and Alice are walking to Alice’s locker talking about how Alice is a suck ass driver. She apologizes and said she had a hard time keeping her mind on the road if you know what she means *wink* and I think you do. Henry begs her not to say anything, but she says, “What? It was grrrrreat!” Ben walks up and wants to know what was great. “Henry,” Alice purrs. Ben thinks this means they had sex then notices that Henry’s eye is all bloodshot and puffy. He asks what happened and Henry says he doesn’t want to know so naturally I think that Alice was giving him Bologna (if you know what I mean and I think you do) and pulled away just as he splooged and it landed in his eye and caused extreme irritation. This is neither confirmed nor denied, so I’m goin’ with that.  Naturally Ben changes the subject to himself and when Alice learns that he hasn’t spoken to Amy in almost two weeks she says, “You broke up” and I think I might like this actress because she gives good face. And, apparently, good Bologna. Ben denies having broken up and says he’s not going to break up unless Amy breaks up with him which she might. Alice says Amy isn’t going to break up with him.

Frick and Frack enter the hallway talking about their schedules and we learn again that Frack got broken up with and blah blah blah.  Frick says that this is the year they both get a real boyfriend and if not both of them, then definitely her. Then some cute guy named Griffin approaches them. They’re both mush mouthed by his beauty so I’ll tell you that he’s a twenty year old freshman and new to the school system and looking for the guidance counselor.  He leaves when they point him in the right direction and right away Frick claims the new boy – even if he is a freshman.

In the counselor’s office we find Jack and his football coach. Coach is acting as counselor until they find a new one and he gruffly wonders what’s on Jack’s mind. Griffin knocks at the door and Coach tells him (gruffly) to go away. Like a good counselor does.  Turns out Jack wants a better cup so as to avoid a groin injury so he can have children with Grace. Coach rolls his eyes and forbids him to see Grace because the last time one of his player’s girlfriend went to Doctor Camp he quit football to avoid a groin injury.

Out in the hallway of the school that never starts Grace and Ricky talk and she creeps him out with the space invasion. Then Adrian runs up all excited to see her best friend and is creeped out by the touchy feely doctor stuff as well. Grace asks how their summer was and Adrian tells her that they were busy. Reallly busy. Ricky says he was busy at the butcher shop and being with John. “And me,” Adrian adds. He nods. “And her.” Adrian is offended by his use of “her” and spills that Ben might be breaking up with Amy which leads Ricky to (again) tell her that she can’t talk to Ben because she’s slutty and has no control over her vagina when it comes to sex. In maybe different words.

Across the hall Amy walks up to Ben but before she can bitch about the air not being airy enough the double doors open and in comes Ashley all backlit and everything. Boump boump – chica chicahhhhhhhhhhh! Needless to say, she no longer looks “comfortable.” All the family’s talk about making a first impression sank in and Ashley decided to go with “upscale hotel bar hooker.”  All conversation stops and jaws drop as Ashley struts down the hallway. I’m pretty sure she didn’t make any friends with that little trick – which I think was totally her point.

And OMG! FINALLY!!! They’re in an actual classroom with an actual teacher who is actually teaching!!! What she’s saying is boring (asexual reproduction) so we’re treated to the thoughts various students around the room. You’ll be surprised to learn that they’re almost all about sex. Alice loves the oral sex. Henry wasn’t sure about his technique. The guy behind them thinks they’re doin’ it.  Frack wonders why her boyfriend didn’t try to have sex with her. Frick wants to be pointed in the direction of a good pistol. And then there’s Ben… Lapdog Ben who is simply waiting for Amy to smile at him. Eventually she does and he says, “Amy Jergins you are the most beautiful, most frustrating girl in the world.” Everyone laughs and he and Amy are assigned extra homework as punishment – which doesn’t seem fair since Ben was the nimrod who spoke out.

Out in the hallway Griffin approaches Ashley and asks how she’s doing. Ashley is gruff with him and then introduces herself as “the teen mother’s sister.”  She thinks everyone is staring at her because she’s Amy’s sister and not because her boobs are put on a shelf in the skin tight dress she’s wearing. Griffin doesn’t know how to respond to that. Ashley gets a few good zingers in about Amy and that’s awesome, but the point of this scene is to establish a friendship between Ashley and Griffin who we find out is gay and therefore not interested in sex with her. Ricky comes up to them and asks if Griffin is bothering Ashley, but he’s not. Then Adrian accuses Ricky of planning to tap Ashley as well. Ricky thinks that’s gross since Ashley is John’s aunt. Adrian isn’t convinced. We establish once again that she and Ricky don’t trust each other.

There’s a pointless scene between Grace and Coach Gruff about not interfering in Jack’s football psyche.

Back in the classroom Ben and Amy have a heart to heart. He didn’t have sex in Bologna. The girl in the picture was just a friend.  Ben still loves Amy but he wants to have sex and if they’re not going to have sex then they’re going to have to find stuff to do as a family. They’re going to have to find a way to start having fun rather than constantly bickering. Amy starts crying and is so happy that Ben still loves her even though she’s 16 and has a baby. It turns out that this isn’t such a sucky day after all, and once she gets home David is getting her a new car. Ben says that if George doesn’t know about her future stepdad buying her a car that she’d better hold off on calling this a good day. Word.

Back in Molly’s kitchen she and Ashley talk about Ashley’s first day of high school.  Molly’s glad Ashley didn’t sit alone at lunch, but her excitement fades when she hears she sat with a boy. She encourages Ashley to get a girl friend or too and then stupid, Vile Amy comes in and tells Molly she told George about her new SUV. Molly isn’t thrilled and we learn that all is not good in Molly/Davidville. Apparently he didn’t clear the car with Molly, either. Hmmmmmm….

George comes into the kitchen with a broken or sprained arm and tells us he’s selling his bike and then he orders the girls out of the kitchen so he and Molly can fight about David’s too generous gift. Instead of doing that George says he lied about the vasectomy and that Molly’s baby is his baby and not David’s. Molly says she and David figured that out a long time ago and are still getting married even though she and David aren’t in love and are comfortable and happy. Pretty much.  This flabbergasts George who then begs her not to take his family away from him. He tells her he still loves her and then begs her to let him fix it. In the hallway Amy and John and Ashley look on in glee. Raise your hand if you didn’t see this coming. Yeah. I saw it too.

This week I get all excited when I see Jack, Ben, and Frack (Amy’s redheaded friend who really should be working for Disney) in a classroom. FINALLY, these kids get some book lernin’ in – except they’re there in some form of impromptu “One or the other of my parents is dead” support group. I’m conflicted over the word “support” since no one supports anyone on this craptastic crapfest of a show. Blah blah blah let’s talk Grace into going to cheer camp blah blah blah we just want to help you Grace blah blah blah I’m going to Italy/football camp/nowhere so lessen our guilt but getting heavy with the rah-rahs, will ya?  “We just want to help,” Jack says. “Well, maybe I can help Ben with the fact that his dad’s marrying an Internet hooker,” Grace says. Okay, that was funny.

Next we’re in the kitchen de los casa des les embarazadas (and I can neither spell nor speak Spanish. SO WHAT?!) and it’s the last day of school and John is looking all kinds of edible as he and his pudgy self rest in his punkin’ seat on the kitchen counter. Vile Amy is, of course, looking miserable and is super annoyed that she’s not going to Italy – although, sleeping in won’t suck. Molly Ringwald laughs at her because girlfriend is going to be working all summer and that means getting up early. Vile Amy looks stricken. I laugh again. Ashley walks in and tells Molly that she’s supposed to drive her to school as Inappropriate George is out riding his hawg.

George, looking like a complete George Clooney on a three-wheeler (not hot at all), is flirted with at a stop light by a hot, professional blonde type lady. He preens, he says, “Yes, I’m George,” and then he is SERVED, and I laugh AGAIN! This is the most fun I’ve had in minutes, people!!

Let’s stop talking, let’s get to it….

It’s time to roam the halls again (because there are no classes in this school) and Vile Amy is at her locker being vile when Frack rushes up and excitedly asks her what she thinks about the yearbook layout that she was in charge of. SHE DIDN’T GET THE LAYOUT, FRACK. SHE WAS LATE TO SCHOOL, FRACK.  BECAUSE SHE WAS WHERE SHE ALWAYS IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE, FRACK. IN THE NURSERY WITH HER BABY!!! Gawd, Amy is so vile. Anyway, Frick shows up with Amy’s yearbook and they flip through the pages and I laugh again because Vile Amy and her pregnant pregnancy are totally a full page deal! Amy is furious, and Frack is confused. It’s awesome because freshmen NEVER get that much page space, right? Amy explodes that she’s going to be known as the pregnant girl forever and then stomps away. It’s true, Amy. You’re totally going to be known as the pregnant girl BECAUSE YOU GOT PREGNANT! And yeah, I get her embarrassment and frustration, but she’s vile and I have zero sympathy. The writers have done nothing to convince me that I should like this chick. NO-THING. Also we find out that Frick and Frack are vacationing together this summer. Ooooh, Amy’s gonna be PISSED.

It’s yearbook signing time and Ricky just gave his autograph to some blonde wanna-be. She simpers and floats away. Adrian glares at her as she approaches Ricky. Ricky finally got his apartment cleaned up and tonight’s going to be the first night he’ll be staying there. Adrian gets hot, but Ricky totally cockblocks her enthusiasm. He wants to get settled in before company comes a’callin. Adrian thought he got his own place so they could “be alone.” Nope. According to Ricky he got his own place because he’s trying to be a good, responsible dad to his kid. Adrian is persistent and wears Ricky down to a “we’ll see.”

Meanwhile, Jack and Grace are moseying down the hall and I just noticed that Grace’s shirt is really low cut – like WOW, that’s inappropriate if you aren’t just coming off your 2 a.m. stage show at Earl’s Club featuring fine ladies. Blah blah blah he should go to football camp blah blah blah she should go to cheerleading camp blah blah blah Grace is in crisis, but the cheertators need her. Ick. I hate Grace’s storyline. Pity me, but HOW DARE YOU PITY ME?! But, I’m so sad. Ech. I was over this storyline when Tom dumped John Schneider’s ashes on his shoes and Bunny sang gospel from a golf cart. The gist of it is Grace my quit cheering and nobody wants that.

And seriously? I don’t know why I never noticed this before, because of the mocking potential –OH, the mocking potential, but the interior of Ben’s locker is papered with the most modern fem design you can find at the Target. It’s a girl’s locker. Ben’s a girl, and that explains so much. His Asian best friends are excited about Italy, but not Ben because he’s upset about Jennifer “MY LIPS ARE HUGE and THAT EFFING ROCKS” Coolidge being an Internet hooker. Should he tell his dad or not? They advise Ben to confirm his facts before approaching Leo. Ben says he should probably talk with Amy, too.

And speaking of Vile Amy, she’s darkening the cool guidance counselor’s office. She’s been summoned because she has incomplete in 3 classes and therefore has to attend summer school!! This is the best show yet!!

You’ve been Served George is pouring over the papers when his Fierce Gay Assistant enters his office. FGA isn’t shocked about the papers figuring that it’s about time. You’ve Been Served George was hoping that Molly hadn’t said yes to David because she still wanted to be with him, then he finally FINALLY admits that yes, he lied about having the big V. FGA shakes his head disapprovingly but he doesn’t look shocked.

Back in school “students” are “rushing to class” as Ben approaches Amy and offers to take her out on this, his last night in the states. Amy is vile to him and heavy with the guilt. Ben begs her not to make him feel guilty, but she’s not. It’s not like she could go anyway because she has summer school. And then? AND THEN?! She totally blames her baby. People, this girl is such a spoiled bitch. Writers? Brenda? You seriously need to reconsider how likeable you’re making this character because I’m rooting for Ricky to gain full custody and leave the state. Then she blames Ricky. Finally, off Ben’s look, she blames herself. Ben begs her to let him take her out, but she tells him they should just say their good-byes right there, right now. She knows he deserves more, that she deserves more, but this is the best she can give $him. Then she kisses his cheek.  Then she takes his yearbook and rips out her pregnant picture. I can’t say this enough: RUN, BEN! RUN!! AND DON’T EVER LOOK BACK!!!

Vile Amy runs into Ricky who asks her if John can sleep over at his new place that night. He’s excited to share it with his son. It’s sweet. Amy goes off on him about how hard her life is and tries to make him feel guilty, but he’s not having any of it. I kind of *heart* him a little. He tells her that she’s lucky that she didn’t quit school or lose an entire year, she’s lucky to have a job, etc…. Amy agrees to give him John for the night, and foreshadowing is telling me that Adrian is somehow going to be involved and that it’s not going to end very well for Ricky.

Grace finds out that she’s won a once in a lifetime position in this prestigious pre-pre-med program, but she’s pretty sure she’s not going since she’s pretty determined to check out of life this summer. She’s going, y’all. Don’t fret. *Yawn*

Dudes that last scene was so dull it even put Molly Ringwald to sleep. David wakes her up with some story about their clients finally arriving. The clients turn out to be David’s parents who totally look like they’re younger or the same age as David. I wish I could age in Brenda Hampton world.  They’re thrilled to meet her, and Molly’s as gracious as she can be given that David didn’t tell her they were coming. It’s a little awkward. She’s not going to marry him, is she? I have a bad feeling about this. The baby’s going to be George’s and they’re going to get together and I’m going to have to recap it. That makes me sad. Also, bitter.

The bell rings and summer has started in whatever school district we’re in. Ben drops in on the counselor who got over-involved in his student’s lives to say thanks, but we find out that the counselor is quitting because he realized this show is shitty. Ben asks him how to tell his dad he’s engaged to a prostitute. The counselor looks shocked and we fade to Ricky’s apartment.

Y’all. He just looks so proud of his place as he adjusts his plants and looks around. He doesn’t look pleased when he finds Adrian strewn across his bed.  Adrian’s furious that he chose to spend his first night in his new place with his son – which makes me sad because I used to really like her and now I can’t. She wants him to commit to not sleeping with anyone but her, same as she did for him. He sort of agrees to it. Guys, this has got nothing good written on it. Just like the show. Did you get that, writers? YOU SUCK. Except for the guy who wrote “the Christians blame me.”

Back at John Schneider’s house Josie is donating John’s clothes. I see Grace approaching and I expect another hissy, but Grace is more concerned about getting into the super duper pre-pre-med program. Josie gives her permission not to go, but assures her that she and Tom will be fine without her. Then she tells us all how much Grace is going to change the world with her specialness, and then she tells her that in order to do that she has to continue to live her life and not get mired down by grief. Touching. I guess. I don’t know. It does seem like Josie is moving through this grief process at a brisk pace.

Meanwhile Ashley informs You’ve Been Served George that Adrian is coming up the driveway and then is totally and uncharacteristically intimidated by Adrian. I don’t like it. Of all the characters on this show, aside from Ricky, Ashley would be the one to stand up to Adrian. Anyway, long scene short, Adrian knows all about George’s plumbing lies and how Molly’s baby is most likely his and they’re both worried about Ricky and Amy. She wants George to sell her parents his house.  Ashley listens around the corner and looks concerned. The scene ends, but I smell blackmail.  

Adrian leaves and we join Ashley in the kitchen yelling at her father for being a tool. She basically begs him to stop making her lie for him, and then she tells him to man up or she’s going to tell Molly Ringwald everything. She understands that Molly needs to be informed that the baby might be George’s so that she can make an informed choice.  George reluctantly agrees to tell Molly.

And speaking of revealing painful truths, Ben finally tells Leo that Jennifer Coolidge is a hooker. Turns out she’s a former hooker and she was honest with Leo from the get go (or at least before they slept together), and Leo doesn’t even care because the past is the past and because she’s JENNIFER EFFIN’ COOLIDGE!! Leo tells all of us that Jennifer makes him happy, the happiest he’s been since his wife’s death. He also tells Ben not to stress about Amy, and then he ruins my happy by telling us “it will all work out with her.”

*sigh* Brenda Hampton hates me.

Back from You’ve Been Served George’s Adrian interrupts her parents’ romantic dinner at home and it’s a boring scene in which they tell her that they know she put in an offer on a house that isn’t for sale. Oh yeah. Teens around here do shit like this all the time. They are amused with her balls and then toast being a family.

In Vile Amy’s room John is sleeping and I pause the show because for a second he totally looked like a dead baby and it freaked me out, like maybe the show had changed direction and next season would be all about Amy’s sentencing and trial. But rest easy, he’s just sleeping.  She and Ricky talk about whether or not they should wake him for about a gazillion minutes so that Ricky can take him back to Ricky’s apartment but decide not to because they’re idiots. Amy bitches about being tired and Ricky offers to watch John sleep while she catches a nap in John’s room. Amy looks happy at that thought, and please, Ricky, do not put your dick in that girl again. It’s icky. You’ll catch vileness.  Amy kvetches some more about her life and Ricky points out that no matter how crappy it seems, at least they have John. I love how much he loves his kid. I hate Amy, but Ricky’s growing on me. It probably won’t last.

The next morning Grace shocks us all by accepting the pre-pre-med summer program. Jack says he’s happy for her, but give the camera the face of doomed relationship when he hugs Grace.

Ben talks to Jennifer “Has My Career Seriously Been Shot to Hell” Coolidge and they straighten up a few things. Jennifer and Leo advise him to visit Amy before he leaves for BlowJob, Italy. Ben visits Amy and they have a sweet moment in which they say they love each other and how they’ll always be together and then Ricky comes in the room with John and Ben puts on his drama and despite their assertions that it’s not what it looks like, he totally thinks it is. Or that it will be.

Things don’t look good for our lovebirds.

I’m cool with that.

Where was I? Oh yeah. *sigh* The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  Gah. I need a drink.

Last week they made “joke” after “joke” about Bologna, Italy and blow jobs. Ben’s going,
Amy isn’t and she’s pissed. Molly Ringwald’s pregnant and either George or David is the father. George inappropriately told Grace that he lied about having a vasectomy. You just know that’s going to get around.  Ben’s dad is dating Jennifer Coolidge the Internet Hooker that Tom knows. Also? All these people suck hard.  Except maybe Leo. Oh, and John Schneider is still dead.

Busty Amy is alone in the kitchen de los embarasadas folding towels and learning Italian. Ashley who came over to find out if Molly was engaged to David or not, enters and busts on her, making comments about how it’s great she has so much time to learn Italian, keep up with her school work, and be a new mother. She then tries to give her a reality check about not being a stupid, vapid, self-centered bitch, but Vile Amy has made up her mind and she’s going away with John for the summer because she wants him to be a “citizen of the world” and not because if she’s there Idiot Ben won’t be doin’ the nasty with Italy’s finest.  They bicker then Molly Ringwald waddles in and blah blah blah Amy’s vile and why didn’t Molly tell her about the engagement blah blah blah because Molly hasn’t decided if she’s marrying David yet blah blah blah Amy needs a good smack and I’m first. The rest of you can line up behind me.

Birds can do it, bees can do it. Let’s stop talkin’, let’s get to it…

Back at Idiot George’s he and Ashley are trying to kill me by talking in circles about his vasectomy and the dog they don’t have, and how they should just go to Italy this summer with Amy, John, and Ben and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

But wait!! Who eez deece? It eez Jennifair “I Piss Awesome” Coolidge, and she’s knocking on Idiot Ben’s door. She’s all sorts of nice to him and tells him she wants to build a relationship with him as his future stepmom. Ben condescends to her as he always does and says that these things take time.  “There’s nothing slow about me,” Jennifer slurs. Jennifer is dressed COCKtail party ready, by the way. Hooker goin’ for classy? Then because the writers hate me they bring up Bologna and how Ben really doesn’t want Amy to go with him, but how he’s too much of a (and I hate this word) pussy to tell her the truth. Jennifer also drops some more clues to her profession (court reporter? Hmmmmm.)by telling Ben that he needs to update his condom stash because they do have expiration dates for a reason, also, some of his have been discontinued for safety reasons. Because any court reporter worth her salt knows that.

Over at Adrian’s apartment we learn that her parents haven’t spent any quality time together lately, but that her mom is feeling tired and ill and instantly we all wonder why we aren’t watching Torchwood if maybe she isn’t pregnant with Rueben’s child. Adrian’s mom quickly tells us she’s not. No. God No! Then they talk about how horny Adrian is to be with Ricky – as mothers and daughters tend to do- so why haven’t she and Rueben found a house already?!  And oh yeah, did you hear about Molly Ringwald and how it might be George’s baby and NOT David’s?

At Ricky’s foster home they’re sitting around the breakfast table discussing how Ricky wants to emancipate himself and get his own place. In a year he’s going to be kicked out of the system so why not just go ahead and leave on his own terms?  His foster dad keeps telling him how proud he is of Ricky, and I keep yelling, “FOR WHAT? He got a girl pregnant and uses sex for sport?!” but I guess his foster dad means that he’s proud of Ricky for stepping up and getting a job and being there for John. Ricky’s foster mom sees through the ruse and asks if Ricky wants to get his own place so he can have sex whenever he wants. Ricky won’t deny that it’s not partially about the sex, but mostly it’s about becoming a man and starting his life and having a place that isn’t surrounded by Amy’s posse to raise/visit with John. Plus, you know, have sex with Adrian. She tries to convince him to stay as well as give up having sex for awhile, but he’s already got it in his head that he’s outie and no way in hell will he give up the action. Actually, Ricky doesn’t make me want to stick my hand in a blender. He is trying to do the right thing by his kid.

In the casa de la sexa keeled my pappy, Grace blabs on about having a secret that’s killing her. “Sex again?” Tom asks more interested in his funny pages than in his spoiled, self-centered sister.  Grace says she’s never having sex again, and that in fact when she and Jack get married they might adopt. Because she won’t have sex again. Even when it’s approved by the church.  Tom doesn’t care and neither do I.  Finally she spills to Tom her secret about Inappropriate George’s inappropriate revelation that he lied about his vasectomy. Tom doesn’t care because he’s reading the funny pages. He’s also wearing John Schneider’s robe and that sends Grace into a tizzy. She doesn’t want anyone to have anything of her dad’s, and that’s valid for a girl who just lost her father.  However, Tom was John Schneider’s son, so he as a right to his father’s robe, so suck it Grace. Josie Bissett enters the kitchen and breaks up the fight. Grace and her extensions stomp off and Josie tells Tom that they have to get back the jacket they gave Jack before Grace finds out and loses her Christian shit all over the place.  During this entire scene Tom’s enunciation is so horrible that the other actors have to repeat them. “Garbled words spoken in an odd cadence.” “Why am I drinking orange juice? Because it’s the only juice that doesn’t remind me of sex.”

In the school that never starts Adrian asks Grace how it’s going. Grace goes off about not wanting anyone to have John Schneider’s belongings. “Tom was wearing my dad’s robe this morning,” says Grace.  Adrian says that’s nice but Grace tells her it isn’t. “That’s… creepy?” Adrian tries again. The writers must like India Esely because they do give her the greatest lines in the show.  Grace goes on about how all she can think about is sex and death and death and sex.  They talk about how everyone is sexually screwed up except for Adrian who is horny for Ricky. Sex before marriage is wrong for everyone who’s not married, and hey, did you hear about George’s lie about his vasectomy and how Ann’s baby might not be David’s? Please can’t we just watch Torchwood?.  Don’t tell anyone, okay?

Long story short, everyone in the high school knows about George’s lie except for Amy. It’s all over school, and we have like eleventy more scenes telling us this and one of them is Ben talking with his Asian best friends about Bologna and how he doesn’t want to take Amy. Guess who heard that? Vile Amy, that’s who.

We hear once again that Amy is unbearable and then Ricky interrupts them and he and Amy fight about – GOD! I don’t care. He wants John on his terms, too. She’s vile and I hate her and she’s taking John to Italy this summer, so sorry, Ricky. Ricky lays a reality check on Amy; she and John don’t have passports and who’s gonna take care of their tickets, and who’s gonna take care of them once they’re in Italy? “Ben will take care of all of that,” Amy snits. I can’t say this enough: RUN, BEN! RUN!!!!  Through this entire conversation the only thing Ben picks up is the news that Ricky is getting his own place.  He looks worried. Amy sees a vulnerable, soft spot and puts her sexy on as she asks Ben, “You really want to leave me here over the summer with Ricky getting his own place?” Ben looks stricken so I’ll answer for him: “YES! OH MY GAWD, YES!!!”

Meanwhile Adrian plots to get Ricky away from Amy’s vile proximity.

Over lunch Adrian starts working her angle while Ricky complains about how insane Amy is to want to take John away. “It’s just the summer,” she points out. Plus, how’s he gonna take care of John when he has to work the whole time? Adrian thinks she has it together sexually, but we find out that she wants to keep having sex with Ricky so that he won’t have sex with other girls. Just like Grace did with Jack. Just like most of the girls in the world. Adrian is eager to see John and Ricky together, and hey! Did you hear about George and Molly Ringwald?

Next scene: Hey, did you hear about George’s vasectomy lie?

Next scene: Molly Ringwald’s baby? Might not be David’s!

Next scene: George might be Molly’s baby daddy.

Next scene: Grace is feeling sorry for herself and guilty and angry and blah blah blah bonding with Jack who offers to bring her a bat so she can beat up her bed and release the emotions. Blah blah blah can you believe Tom is wearing our father’s robe blah blah blah blah Captain Jack in Torchwood is INCREDIBLE!

At another lunch table Amy is p-whipping Ben about Italy when Jennifer “The writers call me Betty” Coolidge shows up with his lunch.  She waves to Grace, chats a few seconds with Ben and is nothing but sweet to Amy. Amy at least waits until she leaves before informing Ben that his dad is engaged to a hooker. Ben says he likes “Betty” and Amy snorts derisively. “You can like her all you want, but she’s a hooker,” says the girl who got knocked up at 15 with the guy from the drum section. By the way, your dad lied about his vasectomy.

Seriously, these people would confound Captain Jack Harkness of BBC Torchwood fame. If he encountered Brenda Hampton’s created population? No way would he work to help us survive against the alien invaders who see us as no more than walking Happy Meals. I’m jus’ sayin’ is all. Not. Worth. Saving.

School’s over and Ben and Ricky are working their part time job at the butcher shop. Ben’s annoying Ricky per usual. He wants to know how he can ask Jennifer “Call me Stifler’s Mom” Coolidge if she’s a hooker. Ricky advises him to go to the source then escapes so he can ask Mimi/Bunny’s permission to ask Leo for more hours. See, he knows Mimi’s his boss, but really, Leo hired him, so it seems fitting and respectful to ask Leo, but first he feels he needs to clear it with Mimi because Ricky’s all about doing the right thing. Mimi gives him the go-ahead and blabbity blab blab it turns out there’s an unused apartment over the butcher shop and viola! Ricky now has a home. Rent free, minus utilities. It’s actually a sweet scene between Leo and Ricky and I can’t help but feel that Leo is working an angle to free his son from Amy’s vile clutches while still making sure that Vile Amy and John will be taken care of. Ricky is clearly overwhelmed and calls Adrian with the good news. Adrian isn’t thrilled which makes me sad for Ricky because he’s really excited. Things are starting to work out for him. Adrian doesn’t want him to have his own place because she doesn’t want him having sex with anyone but her, and oh yeah, this girl isn’t messed up at all.

In the middle of all that drama Amy orders Ashley to come over so she can bitch about the rumor all over the high school. Ashley talks Amy down, and suddenly we’re worried that Molly Ringwald won’t love them anymore once the new baby arrives. If she’s smart. Plus, Leo’s fiancé is a hooker.

Jack returns John Schneider’s sports coat to Grace’s house. Poor Ben. Did you hear about his internet hooker almost stepmom?

Out on the street,  Jennifer Coolidge is talking with Slow Speakin’ Tom (clever, Brenda Hampton – a hooker on the street? Talking to a client? You should kiss yourself because you’re that clever!) about how she wants to keep her profession (oldest known to man) on the down low, but she feels like she needs to tell Ben so that there aren’t any secrets. (About this time my husband walks in and says, “Who’s the hooker?”)  On the other hand, she’s found the love of her life in Leo and doesn’t want anything to ruin that. She ends her call as Ben walks up to her, and just when you think she’s going to tell him the truth, she says that she’s been named court reporter of the month!

Molly Ringwald gets a few more minutes of screen time – and I’m wondering if this was filmed just before she actually gave real live birth to her real live babies and maybe she was put on bed rest or something. Turns out the big project she and David were working on (aside from his maybe baby) is actually for THEM. He doesn’t want to live next door to George and he wants his kid to have the most eco-friendly of everything. He also doesn’t want to live with Amy and John, and says that eventually Molly’s going to have to stop enabling Amy’s vileness, but look! An eco-friendly guest house for John and Amy to live in. And Ashley can visit whenever she wants! All Molly has to do is put on the ring and say “yes.”

Currently: It’s dark outside Los Casa d’estoya embarazada and Molly Ringwald is sitting at the kitchen table looking tired and stunned that her career took such an awkward turn after The Stand – but before I go on, let me congratulate Real Molly Ringwald and her family on the Real Arrival of her Real Twins! What? I’m not totally heartless and stuck up – like Amy.  Speaking of Vile Amy she comes flopping into the kitchen and miserably folds herself up on the kitchen chair and complains that John was crying because he was hungry and wet. We also learn that it’s 4:30 a.m. and she doesn’t know if she should go back to bed or study. Such is the life of a teen parent. We learn that Maybe Baby Daddy David had is assistant call to tell Molly he’d be late from his trip instead of calling himself. Molly thinks he’s avoiding her and Amy thinks he’s being immature. Not even 2 minutes in and I want to smack her, but I have a feeling I’d better pace myself.

Because no one locks their doors in this weird town George barges in wondering why their lights have been on “for hours.” He teases them that Ashley stayed up all night to watch a Twilight Zone marathon and it earns him Molly’s patented douche bag snarl of disbelief. He’s just kiddin’ – he and Ashley fell asleep on the couch at 7 and woke up wide awake at 3 a.m. They’re livin’ the life – doin’ what they want. Amy accuses him of rubbing it in as Ashley barges in and wonders what’s going on.  John was up crying all night because babies cry, OKAY?! Amy informs her. Ashley doesn’t care since she doesn’t live there.

George offers to make breakfast and on his way to the fridge complains about how messy the house is. Amy can’t clean because she works and goes to school and has a baby and Molly works, too, OKAY?! Ashley reminds her that she has 3 hours before school so she could get something done, but Amy’s tired OKAY?!  “And crabby,” Ashley informs her. “Don’t forget crabby.”  Ashley asks if Vile Amy’s going to be a total bitch for the next 18 years or is she, at some point, going to allow herself to enjoy John?  George echoes her sentiments – John’s crying so much because Amy’s such a loser. Sooner or later she’s going to have to start enjoying life again. Molly leaves to throw up and Amy leaves because she can’t face the truth. Also, make her a sandwich without bacon and leave it in the microwave. For 3 hours.  Maybe she’ll get food poisoning so she can add that to the list of things to hate about her life. George and Ashley discuss how to make Amy happy and how George might be the father of Molly’s baby.

Birds can do it, bees can do it. Let’s stop talkin’, let’s get to it….

It’s 3 hours later and Vile Amy is on the phone with Ben shooting down all his suggestions of fun. She doesn’t want to hang out because they hang out every night. She doesn’t want to go out because John’s not leaving home until he’s 3 months old and they don’t have a sitter. Ben suggests they stay in and learn to cook and Amy is horrified that she has to go to school, to work, and then come home and cook!  Where’s Adrian’s bitch slap when you need it? They hang up and Leo comes into Ben’s room to have a chat about what a tool Ben has turned into. Mostly Ben blames Leo for hanging out with Jennifer “I’m Fuckawesome” Coolidge, but after Leo tells him straight up how he quit wasn’t cool Ben mans up and apologizes (somewhat) for being a spoiled jerk and asks for his job back even though he sucks as a butcher. Leo agrees he sucks as a meat man but says he’s excellent with people and agrees to give him his job back and then one betters it by offering him a summer job in Bologna, Italy with family.  I kind of *heart* Leo and wish he were my dad. Ben asks if Amy and John could go with him since Amy’s bitchy and needs a break. I can just imagine how “relaxed” Amy will be in Italy with no one but Ben to give her a break.  Wise Leo brings up that same point and then tells Ben to consider going to Italy alone to find out what Ben wants out of life. Ben agrees to think it over and decides to go as long as Leo’s fine without him. Leo assures him that Jennifer “Makes Me Want a Sausage Real Bad” Coolidge will keep him in good company while he’s away.  Then Ben asks how she knows the Bowmans since he saw her wave at Tom at the funeral. “That Jennifer Coolidge,” Leo laughs. “She’s real friendly.”

 It’s a week since John Schneider’s ashes were poured over Slow Tom’s shoes, and things are looking up in the Bowman household. Slow Tom is taking care of his family by making breakfasts.  Josie Bissett comes into the kitchen looking well-rested and dewy fresh. I hope I’m that luminous when I become a widow.  Josie loves that Slow Tom is taking care of them, but she was up early in the hopes that she could start taking care of her kids again. Listen, I know that things like regret and remorse and mourning manifest themselves differently for different people, and she could be totally strung out on Valium, but really? You’re in full make up and not even a little puffy after the death of the “love of your life?” 

Josie talks about how she needs to say busy because she’s “feeling a little blue.” After the death of her husband. You know, just… melancholy is all. “Still?” Slow Tom asks. Josie says it’s going to take her longer than a week, maybe longer than a year, and possibly a lifetime to get over this, but the way she shrugs and sips her coffee after she says “lifetime” leads me to believe that it might be closer to the week mark. Tom is still sad, but he quotes Pocahontas (All must die) and reminds his mother and us that John Schneider’s with Jesus (golfing) so it’s not like they’re not going to see him again. He tells her to have a little faith. Josie says she’s going to need more than faith to be where Tom is with this whole death thing.

Sweet, father killing Grace comes into the kitchen looking a little slutty – oh, apparently I mean “beautiful.” She’s decided to go back to school. Josie says that she’s welcome to stay home since it’s Friday and join them in some grief counseling. Grace declines the invite. She’s okay. She’s fine with this. She’s got it all under control. Clearly she doesn’t, but her eyeliner is fabulous so I have no choice but to believe her. Tom is not as easily swayed by a steady hand as I am and (slowly) tells her that she’s going to have a hard first day back because she killed her father. He however is guilt free and is handling this fine. Josie uses her stern voice with him but Grace says it’s okay. She’s probably going to get a lot of those comments when she gets to school and God’s going to find a way to get her through. Tom however is thinking that maybe Internet hookers is the way to go and tells his mother he saw Jennifer “my character name is Betty” Coolidge dropping Ben off at the funeral.  Grace returns to hear the names Ben and Betty together and we all know where this is going, right?

Adrian is also looking a little slutty but presentable this morning in a cute pink top and skinny jeans. Her cell rings and it’s Ben asking for advice on how to tell Amy he’s going to Italy without her this summer. He’s also tells Adrian Amy isn’t going to have sex with him for a long time.  A very long time. A very long time during which if he decides to have sex with someone else he can forget about ever doing the pokey with Vile Amy. Then he makes Adrian say she’ll definitely never have sex with him if he asks so that he’s never tempted to ask her to have sex with him, which is a roundabout way of asking her to have sex, but whatever. I hate these writers (except for the one who wrote “The Christians are blaming me.” That one I like.) and I hate Brenda Hampton. Ben tells Adrian he’s going to Bologna and Adrian asks him if he knows what Bologna is known for. “Bolognese sauce?” both Ben and I ask. Adrian laughs and I do a quick Google. Oh. I did not know that.  The oldest university, great food, and oral sex.  Like… how did it get known for oral sex? In the same manner the French are known for “French” kissing? Is it part of their curriculum?  Do generations of women and gay men sit around the table making pasta and discussing technique?  This will plague me. Ben blathers on about how should he tell Amy she’s not invited, Adrian figures out that with Ben gone Ricky will have all summer with Amy unchaperoned and this pisses her off and she hangs up on Ben.

Once again they’re running late at Los Casa d’estoya embarazada. George offers to take Amy to school so Molly can get ready then he sends Ashley out of the room so that he and Molly can talk. Molly assumes he’s getting a dog and it pisses her off because she’s going to be too busy taking care of all these babies to take care of George’s dog (which he’s not getting).  George starts talking trash about Maybe Baby Daddy David and I’m wondering why if he’s supposedly no longer in love with Molly, but whatever. Brenda Hampton makes life suck for me. George draws parallels between the fucked up triangle that is Ricky/Amy/Ben and his/Molly’s/David’s situation and then says that unlike Ben he’s not interested in being the boyfriend of a girl who got knocked up by another dude even if they were in love.

Grace and her very high Christian stilettos enter the hallowed halls of awkward dialogue hesitantly and is instantly accosted with “Sorry about your dad… and the other thing” and “I know you feel. I lost my cat… and my virginity.” Adrian walks up behind her and tells her not to worry, she’s got her back, and I can’t help but like her even more. Grace rewards Adrian’s loyalty with a wordless rush back out the doors. She passes Amy on her way out. Amy asks Adrian what’s going on. “What’s going on is that your boyfriend is going to Italy this summer,” smug Adrian tells her much to approaching Ben’s chagrin. Ben is saved by the bell and rushes off to class.

Meanwhile George passes Grace on her walk home from school. He stops the car and they talk. George is actually kind of sweet in this scene until the end when he admits to the 15 year old daughter of his ex-wife who just lost her father that maybe he lied about having a vasectomy all those years ago. He tells Grace good things about her dad and says that if her dad was alive he would have eventually forgiven her for having sex. Dads are like that. Then he quotes the Beatles and tells Grace that Jack feels so bad he’s started drinking.  He and Grace agree that Jack needs to lay off the sauce. Grace thinks Jack can, but it’s the sex she’s worried about. Jack probably won’t be able to stop having it. George tells her that men may be ruled by hormones, but that they can be trained to go a long time without sex. Just ask any married man with children. True dat.

Back at school Ben tells Amy that he was going to tell her about Italy except that he wasn’t ready to tell her. Vile Amy wants to know how Adrian knew about his little trip and Ben explains that he called to ask her advice about it. Amy accuses him of wanting more than advice from Adrian and Ben denies it even though it’s totes true.  Blah blah blah reasons for going to Bologna blah blah blah I love you but you’re a crabby bitch blah blah blah I’d ask you to go but you won’t even take John out of the house. Amy jumps all over that shit and immediately starts making plans to leave John with her mom and dad and Ricky for a few weeks or a few months while she and Ben go to Italy. Harv, Bitch slap on aisle nine. Ben looks terrified that he might actually have to take her.

Meanwhile Ricky sees the drama happening between Amy and Ben and asks Adrian what’s the up. I swear to my dead Aunt Helen that this school has the longest time between classes. In my school we had 2 minutes to get from one class to another. 2 minutes. And we had 3 floors. But not here.  Maybe that’s why they have time for all this dwama. Adrian explains what’s going on between them and Ricky’s confused because Ben’s never mentioned Bologna before. Adrian tells him the three things Bologna is famous for and Ricky scoffs. Every country in the world is famous for sex except for the United States. Then he makes some political comment about sex slave trade in the United States. Anyway Adrian is all kinds of jealous over Ricky’s relationship with Amy, but Ricky assures her that he’s spending time with his son and not his baby momma. I loathe admitting to liking any of these characters aside from  JFC (Jennifer F’ing Coolidge), but I don’t want to punch Ricky in the face. However, the way he’s treating Adrian who so clearly fancies herself in love is sad. Ricky jokes that Leo is sending Ben to Italy to get laid and wishes he could go. Adrian tells him that he can get sex right here – but not with her until her parents get back together and get a house, and also not with anyone else here either unless he never wants to have sex with her again. So if he doesn’t want the treasure between her legs he should go to Italy and have all sorts of sex named after pasta. “What?!” Vile Amy demands. Ben looks like he might want to barf.

Somewhere down the hall a random dude is congratulating father killing Grace on “getting back on that horse” so quickly.  Oh, not that horse, he assures her. Grace accepts his lame attempts at comfort, but then Jack approaches because there’s another five minutes left between classes.  He looks miserable, but Grace smiles and apologizes for the way she was acting.  They agree that they had sex too soon in their relationship and for the wrong reasons.  She admits that she had sex with him to stop him from being a big slut. He says that if she’ll have him back he’ll never have sex again. “Even when we’re married?” she asks coyly. He agrees to no sex with anyone until they’re married and then it’s open season baby!! WOoot! Or not.  I learn that Jack lost his dad and that Pastor Jack’s Dad is maybe his step father? I don’t know. Either way, he and Grace bond over their dead dads and Grace says that she needs to live an honorable life to honor the memory of her father. There’s nothing they can do about their dead dads, but together she and Jack can work on their relationship.  She makes him promise that he won’t have any kind of sex until they’re married. Guess Jack’s not going to Bologna with Ben either.  Grace looks triumphant. Oh, and no drinking or drugs either. She is SUCH a buzz kill.

At the butcher shop Ricky is ribbing (ba dum dum!) Ben about leaving the country to get foreplay (blow jobs), then he says what he really means and calls Ben out for running away from his responsibilities and getting rewarded for it.  I beg to differ.  I mean it’s real nice that he’s hanging around getting the shit kicked out of his self-esteem and all, but he doesn’t owe anyone anything.  Then Ricky tells Ben that he knows he talked to Adrian about it and to not even let himself think about having sex with Adrian because Adrian is his you see. They say sex a bunch more times and my ears start bleeding but it’s all made better when Jennifer Coolidge comes into the butcher shop and orders steak. And guess what? Jennifer’s heard of Bologna and they drive that joke into the ground a few thousand more times and then- and I hate to say this – mercifully Jennifer leaves. Ricky asks some questions about her and then starts grinning. Hmmmm….

Later that night Molly comes home to the smell of baking chicken and a clean house. What for did you do this awesomeness she asks Amy. Amy schmoozes her mom and then asks if she’ll watch John while Amy goes to Italy with Ben this summer. Molly just laughs us to commercial break.

When we return Amy and John are at George and Ashley’s house trying to convince them to watch John and take over her dead-end job at the daycare while she gets her Italian on. She needs to get away you see. She’s tired of being locked up at home with a baby because she’s only fifteen. And yes, there are Bologna jokes in this scene, and yes, I hate Amy.

Back at Ben’s home he and his dad talk about Jennifer “If Ricky’s Laughing she Must be a Hooker” Coolidge’s awesomeness. Girl knows her way around a steak. Leo’s having no luck getting her unhitched, but he’s not too worried. They’re planning a small wedding at home after Ben returns from Italy. Speaking of Italy, Leo wants to know if Amy’s going, and hey, did you know Bologna’s known for – yes. Leo totally did and says it’s an urban legend. Leo wants to make sure Ben will go even if Amy can’t. Ben says he will because traveling across Europe is a great opportunzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, this scene is boring.

But not this next one because Ricky and Adrian are totes post-coital. Hey! I seem to remember a whole bunch of scenes where she wasn’t having sex anymore. He’s thanking her and she’s all, “no biggie.” They chat and it ends with Ricky telling Adrian he wants a commitment from her. He doesn’t want her having sex with anyone else – especially Ben. Or Jack. Adrian doesn’t want him to have sex with Amy even when Ben is in Italy. Ricky says he won’t because Ben is his friend and blah blah blah he’s got to go be with John.  Thrilled with the turn of events Adrian speed dials Grace and they make up and are besties. They talk about sex and how they’re not going to have it – or how they’re only going to have it with Ricky – and how they’re all going to be better Christians.

Amy is still on a tear about how crappy her life is and how selfish Molly Ringwald is. She promises that if they watch John while she’s gone she’ll totally pet sit for them if they get a dog. Awesome Ashley suggests that she put John in a kennel while she’s gone. Ricky comes in and takes John from George and Vile Amy gets all “sweet” and compliments him on how great he is with his son. George and Ashley vacate the premises. Ricky sees past Vile Amy’s veil of deceit and tells her to let Ben go to Italy alone and without regret.  He also tells her what I said – Ben’s a great guy but he doesn’t owe them anything. They’re John’s parents and they need to take care of him. Amy is a stubborn bitch and says that if she lets Ben go without her he’ll get in trouble.  Sex is said a few times in this scene as well.

Back at Los Casa d’estoya embarazada Molly and Maybe Baby Daddy David take a bite of Amy’s chicken dinner. It sucks. They laugh about it and then David tells her that he had fertility issues with his first wife and that he was suspicious of her pregnancy.  He says that he thought that maybe Molly was trying to trick him to get her hands on his money as he’s an heir to a fortune so he scheduled an appointment with a doctor because fathering a child is a bit of a medical miracle.  He also had her investigated because he loves her and wants to marry her, and by the way, would she be open to a pre-nup?  Then he goes down on one knee and proposes.  Outside the door a stunned George looks on.

Here endeth episode 4.

We’re greeted to previously and here’s what you need to know: Grace had sex, and it was so incredible that it killed her dad in a fiery plane crash. The end.

We start this episode with Tom opening the door to Jack “Incredible Sex Maker.” Tom slowly demands to know what Jack’s doing there. It turns out Josie Bissett wanted him to come talk with Grace on this the day of her dad’s funeral. He calls Tom “buddy” to which Tom indignantly (and slowly) informs him that they are no longer buddies. “C’mon Tom,” Jack says smoothly. “If Tammy wanted to have sex wouldn’t you have sex?” he asks. Tom declines, telling Jack that he’s down to his last parent. No way would he kill his mother the way Grace killed their father. He also tells Jack that he (Tom) is the man of the house, but Jack wants to do something to help. Jack, you and your incredibly talented man stick have done enough, thank you very much. “Can you bring back my dad?” Tom asks (slowly).  Jack goes on up to see Grace, and you know what would be awesome? Another conversation about their incredible sex, John Schneider’s death, and Grace’s guilt. *fingers crossed*

Up in Grace’s room Jack finds Grace changing her sheets.  Oh, the symbolism. He starts to help but she’s all, “hands off, father killer!”  She goes off, telling him that she can’t believe she let him talk her into having sex. Jack’s all, “The hell?!” (Only, not so much with the cursing because this is a “family show.” A family show totally about sex.) He reminds her that this was a mutual decision based on love and mutual respect and blah blah blah he was willing to wait and blah blah blah fire crotch pushed the issue. Grace finally admits that she didn’t have a choice about it because he was poking half the high school and if she hadn’t initiated sex he would have left her.  Also?  Their sex killed John Schneider. Frustrated (get used to that feeling, Jack), Jack agrees that it was his entire fault. Then he tells her he’ll see her at the church and Grace is all, “no, you won’t, bitch.” It reminds me of that scene in Coal Miner’s Daughter when Loretty won’t go get breakfast with Doolittle “with all them people down there knowin’ what we been doin’ [sic].”  Except Jack is no Tommy Lee Jones and Grace is absolutely no Sissy Spacek.  Anyway Grace hates Jack and she hates herself. Subtle ABC Family. Subtle.

Let’s fall in love…

Oh God. It’s Vile Amy and she’s whining to off screen Molly Ringwald about her missing history paper when Ricky bounces in looking chipper.  He offers to drop John off at daycare, but Vile Amy instantly shoots him down and I really kind of hate her.  Last episode she did nothing but bitch about how Ricky never helps and now when he’s offering, she’s listing all the reasons why he’s incompetent. Seriously Ricky, why you tap dat ass? You do realize you punished us all, right? Was it worth it? My pain? Think about that next time, okay? Molly comes in with John in her arms, and y’all? I don’t know how pregnant her character is supposed to be, but Molly is huge with twins of her own. Huge. But glowing, so I’m happy for her. Anyway, Molly tells Amy to get the stick out of her ass (well, that was my translation anyway). They have a busy morning and she needs to get to work to set up for an important meeting and I don’t care. Amy bitches some more at upbeat Ricky, but with Molly’s blessing he takes his son to daycare. “We’re still checking on John, right?” Amy demands. Molly tells her no, and then talk turns to how Amy forgot to ask for time off and blah blah blah Molly tells her she can’t go to the funeral because those ladies at church need to go.  Vile Amy is incredulous that she, VILE AMY, will not be attending the event of the season, but Molly holds firm. The thing I love about Molly Ringwald is her “I can’t believe you’re such a douche” expression. It served her well in 16 Candles and she honed it in Breakfast Club. It’s practically her mask in this hellish program.  Molly tells Vile Amy to be grateful that she has such a good job and to work toward the greater good then she leaves to do awesome things off screen.

Vile Amy immediately whips out her cell phone and calls Ben who creepily answers “Good morning, and I enjoyed kissing you last night. I dreamt about it.” I know, right? Shudder! Also? He’s eating his breakfast with a silver spoon off a silver platter and drinking his orange juice out of a crystal juice glass thingy. Seriously. Anyway, Amy pounces on the opportunity to tell him how miserable her existence is (she didn’t have time to dream) and then starts in on how all of their friends are going to the funeral. Anyone who’s ANYONE will be there. “We’re not missing the prom,” Ben tells her and for a minute I want to hug him. Then he says, “We’re new parents, we can’t do everything.”  Okay, I might just be something of a realist, but honestly? Are there teenage boys out there so willing to take on a bitch of a girlfriend and another man’s baby? Why? WHY? Are you that desperate for the boinky boink, Ben? Robo-Ashely interrupts their conversation with news that Vile George is ready to go so Amy had better get dressed for school. Thank you, Robo-Ashley. Amy hangs up on Ben cutting off his “love you,” then starts trying to work Ashley into working for her so that she can go to the funeral.

Ashley shuts her down and it’s kind of awesome and I might have to reconsider my nickname for her. “I can’t. I don’t have a work permit and I don’t like children.”  Amy tries to guilt her into it but Awesome Ashley calls her on her shit saying it’s Amy’s job and Amy’s baby, and besides, Amy didn’t even know John Schneider. She just wants to go because all her friends are going to be there. Amy doesn’t deny it and says that yes, she wants to go anywhere but to school, to work, and then back home. Yes, even a funeral.  Okay. I can see her point. I remember times as a new mother when I might have welcomed a funeral, but SHUT UP, AMY. Also? Writers? We get it. Being a teen parent is hard and inconvenient, and dammit, we’re only 8 minutes into this crapfest of a show.

Vile George enters the kitchen (does no one knock?!), observes the mess of formula and baby stuff and the general chaos that accompanies a newborn talks some shit about how they’re falling apart without he and Ashley to take care of them, then he instructs Ashley to steal a can opener.  Molly comes in and says she’ll give it to them, they don’t have to steal, and besides, she wants to talk to George anyway. Awesome Ashley flees the scene while Molly and George fight about their divorce settlement (she wants the house and all its contents and he’s cool with that because he had an affair. What he isn’t cool with is her demand for claim to their money.). They bicker and meanwhile Vile Amy has fallen asleep on her messy, messy bed. Oh, suck it up, Amy. You didn’t see Lorelai Gilmore pulling this shit!!

It’s first bell at Sex High and Ben’s two best Asian friends (who are also sexually active with each other) are strolling through the halls talking about the funeral and how it’s tacky that the entire school is planning to go – except not for them because they’re Grace’s friends. Adrian overhears them and calls them on their bullshit, and then some geeky guy with a speech impediment who I know I’ve seen on this show but can’t quite place – oh wait!! He was the dipshit who set up the fake i.d. stand in the band room last season during that wacky French farce episode where Amy and Ben got “married.” Anyway he starts talking about the bet (does Grace turn into Mrs. Haversham or does she go to the funeral? And seriously, writers? You’re trying to pull in literary references? Now?) and Adrian tells him and the rest of the hall population that they’re all disgusting.  Enter Jack who tells Adrian that he now hates himself and her as well since all this is her fault. If she hadn’t agreed to hook up with him at the beginning of the school year then he wouldn’t have turned into a garbage dick . What’s wrong with her that she can’t say no to sex? Jack’s a massive tool, y’all. Adrian slaps him and Ben intervenes. Jack walks away. Adrian tells Ben the 411 and Ben assures her that she didn’t kill John Schneider, mechanical failure did. Then they hug and Vile Amy walks up behind them both wearing bitchface.

12 minutes in, folks.

Ben tries to explain that it was a comfort hug and hot a sex hug but Amy ain’t buyin’ it. She tells Ben that he’d better not be flirting with Adrian with the hopes of having sex and blah blah blah sex and blah blah blah sex and blah blah blah I’m not givin’ it to you and neither is anyone else. Ben is all, “insecure much? Also? You’re wearing your slippers.”  They talk some more about sex and how Amy’s not givin’ it up this year and then she walks away leaving Ben (and us) wondering if she means this school year or this calendar year.

Amy meets up with her BFFs Dumb and Dumber. Guess what? EVERYONE is going to the funeral – except Ben and Amy because they are big losers who weren’t even invited ANYWAY. They rehash the entire plot, Amy snits that they’re not Grace’s friends – only SHE is Grace’s friend, and then they rehash the entire plot and say sex a lot. I have a theory that it’s shows like this one that makes Il Jong Kim hate America so much. Anyway, we learn (again) that the whole school is going just to see if Grace is going to pull herself together or not. Then Ricky comes in and Amy yells at him some more while he’s telling her that the day care is a nice place (“Unless you have to work there,” Vile Amy bitches.) – a lot nicer than a butcher shop. Amy crawls up his ass about his complaining. Ricky was simply trying to help her, and why is she wearing her bedroom slippers, anyway? “BECAUSE I JUST HAD YOUR BABY,” Vile Amy reminds the world. Ricky offers to take John to day care every morning, but Amy doesn’t want his help. (WTF?!) “He’s my son too, you know,” Ricky yells after her as she stomps off.

“Problems in daddyland?” Adrian asks and ohmigawd, do these people ever go to class? Sr. Julie would have had all their asses on an alter if she were in charge is all I’m sayin’.  Adrian wants to know if they’re going to the funeral together. Ricky thinks it’ll look like they’re on a date or something – or that they’re a “couple.” Adrian is totally pissed that she’s good enough to fuck, but not good enough to take to a funeral and slaps him upside his good lookin’ head. Two bitch slaps before AP Calculus. Impressive. Then Ben appears and she slaps the shit out of him, too. She says it’s for the hug and Ricky’s all “what hug?!” OH. GOD. “She was upset,” a stunned Ben explains. “Just don’t have sex with her,” Ricky warns him and then he threatens to kill him if he does.

Yay! We’re with David, the maybe baby daddy to Molly’s baby. Molly ran 15 minutes late so he sent their clients home. Molly isn’t pleased about this at all because she stayed up late to make sure blah blah blah adding green elements to their design blah blah blah and next time she’ll invite him to her ob-gyn appointment but this time she didn’t feel like explaining to her doctor their “situation” because she was up late last night… David apologizes and says he’s excited and nervous about this baby. Then he wonders (again) how it could have happened. In a move she must have copied from her vile daughter, Molly steals his sunshine by being extra-pissy. “Maybe someone wasn’t as handy with a condom as he claimed.”  She gives him the “eat shit” look and flounces out of the room just as his secretary comes in.

Will someone please explain to me why these perfect nice guys insist upon being treated like crap by these unkind ferret women? Also, where were they when I was looking for someone to emotionally abuse?

Back at the butcher shop Ben and Leo arrive to let Mimi (aka Bunny) go to the funeral. Leo’s planning to stay and help Ben and Bunny’s got everything in order so that Ben will have minimal work while she’s away. Instead of being grateful, Ben’s a total twatwaffle and tells everyone that they don’t believe in him.  Leo reminds him that he never goes to funerals (since his wife’s death) and Bunny tells Ben to watch his ‘tude, dude lest he get fired. Again.  While Ben steps stage right to put on his apron Leo complains to Bunny about what an ungrateful little bitch his son has become since the baby arrived (again, NOT HIS BABY). Bunny agrees and then tells him that he heard Ben asking Ricky’s advice for gettin’ some scratch. Oh goody. I hope this leads to an unnatural and uncomfortable discussion about sex.

I must have been a very good girl because that is exactly what it leads to!! Okay, so 15 is too young, learn a lesson from Amy’s struggles, it’s not a race. But it is, Ben tells Leo, and he’s learned to be careful and he hopes that Leo and Jennifer EFFIN’ Coolidge are being careful as well because this is a Brenda Hampton show and in Brenda’s world anyone near puberty is way smarter than your average adult. Leo tells Ben to mind his own business and not to turn it around and tell him to mind his own business because Ben is his business and will be until he’s on his own.  Ben spouts some bullshit about Leo owning everything (his shop, his sausage kingdom, his house, his money) but says that this is his (Ben’s) sex life and then he quits the butcher shop. Again. Leo tells him it’s a long walk home but that a long walk might do him some good.

Not even half-way, people.

Back in Grace’s bedroom Jack’s dad (and her pastor) is trying to convince Grace to go to the service. Hey, did you know that Grace thinks her incredible first time sex killed her father?  Anyway, John Schneider apparently put a lot of time into planning his funeral and he wanted her there. Then he lets it slip that he knows all about the sinning she and Jack did, and that it’s okay. It happens. And? He’s not entirely convinced that premarital sex is evil and will buy you a ticket to hell.  Dude!! Where were you when I was in college? Anyway, Grace is mortified that Jack told him. Of course Jack told him, Pastor Jack’s Dad tells her. He’s his son and they talk about everything and blah blah blah she can’t possibly believe that – let’s say it together – her premarital sex killed her father. Blabbity blab blab, sex is bad/no it isn’t, I killed my dad/no you didn’t, your son is an awesome fuck/I’ll bet he is. They go back and forth like this and then there are some modern platitudes that basically okay sex for anyone over 15 as long as they’re in a committed relationship and use protection well and wisely. Then Pastor Jack’s Dad (who, if memory serves, pressured Jack into asking Grace out in season one, so technically, this is his fault!!) pulls out the big guns and tells Grace to stop being such a whiny bitch and start thinking about her mother who has lost her husband.  “But she can always get a new husband,” Grace sobs. “I can never get another dad.”  I am totally serious. Where’s Adrian’s bitch slap now?

Speaking of Adrian, she and her glossy, glossy lips are sobbing on her couch. Her dad enters the door and asks if she’s okay. Adrian tells Captain Oblivious that she’s not and then mutters the best line ever muttered in a dramatic series: “The Christians are blaming me.” That’s totally going to be my new catch phrase. Anyway, Adrian bemoans her popularity – and then tells us once again that she likes sex and having sex and she’s always responsible and takes care of herself and oh God! What if this is God’s way of getting her to stop having sex?! Maybe she will stop having sex. Ricky doesn’t really love her anyway and she isn’t interested in anyone else. Her dad tells her they’ll talk about it after the funeral. Then he gives her some good advice about being there for her friend even when Grace is being totally insane.

Vile George and Awesome Ashley drop Vile Amy off at the daycare. Amy is upset that George is going to the funeral and then says that her mom’s not gonna like it because she saw how he was flirting with the widow, his ex-wife. “It seems weird that she’d be upset since she’s pregnant with another man’s baby,” Awesome Ashley muses. Amy leaves them and George once again denies to Ashley that the baby is his.  As they pull away Molly Ringwald pulls up and Vile Amy gets excited thinking that Molly’s come to cover for her so that she can go to the funeral with the rest of the cool kids. Molly pees on her parade saying that she came so that more workers would be able to go – NOT Amy.  Amy gets bitchy (ier) and finally blurts out that she’s missing out on everything and that the only good thing to come out of this entire situation was that she got boobs and oh, lawsy, do I hate her. Then she too jumps on the “God is punishing me for being a slutty slut” bandwagon.  Molly tells her that every new mother feels trapped and to quit being such a spoiled clot.  Vile Amy rolls her eyes and follows her mother into the daycare.

Meanwhile, across the street people are still arriving for the funeral of John Schneider. Jennifer Muther EFFIN’ Coolidge pulls up with Ben and Ben talks down to her like the assmuffin he can be. She tells him about how she left home with her boyfriend cum abusive husband when she was sixteen and as a result lost her family. Ben talks about how bad he wants sex with Amy (in euphemisms) and is a total tool to Jennifer I’M THE QUEEN Coolidge and now I must hate him forever.  

Across the parking lot Grace has managed to drag her conceited, delusional ass out of her room and into the car where Josie Bissett is nattering on about why John Schneider’s parents aren’t at their own son’s funeral. I must say that Josie makes a beautiful widow.  She begs Grace to get out of the car. Grace refuses. I get bored. Jack fails to get her spoiled ass out of the car and then Ricky tries. Adrian is hurt that Ricky is in Grace’s car and we all know where this is headed. Ben and Vile George have an entirely inappropriate conversation about unplanned pregnancy and then Vile George tells Ben to keep his hands off Vile Amy or he’ll wind up like John Schneider. Oh yes he did! 

Finally Ricky convinces Grace (because he was a hard ass, see?) and she joins Tom and Josie Bissett on the steps of the church while Tom (slowly) says something about golfing with Jesus. Then Bunny and the choir pull around the front of the church in golf carts singing When the Saints go Marching In, and I go, “The fuck?!”  Bunny and the choir sing us all to the golf course where Tom scatters John Schneider’s ashes on his shoes. Seriously y’all. Weirdest funeral ever.