OMG, y’all! We’ve made it to the end of season 2 of this crapfest. I feel like we should hang on each other’s shoulders  singing  “Friends are Friends Forever” with tears streaming down our dewy cheeks.

Previously: Sex and consequences. Don’t have sex, kids. Wait, DO have sex, kids! What? No? Okay! Don’t have sex, kids! There will be consequences! Like babies and jobs in church daycares that have full benefits, so keep it in your pants, kids! Unless you want to kill John Schneider.

Adrian is genuinely thrilled to have a house. She has a kitchen! And a dining room! And stairs! Ricky suggests they go upstairs and have sex in her room! Adrian, however, is holding firm. No sex until she gets some sort of commitment about their future. Adrian, he already gave you one. I believe it was something along the lines of “I just want to have sex with you without having any responsibility otherwise.” Adrian is still forcing the issue and says that even though he’s not going into therapy with her, she’s taken the initiative and called his therapist and set up an appointment for herself to work through her own issues.  I’m not current on my “in therapy” etiquette, but I think using your boyfriend’s therapist as your therapist is a party foul. Especially if said boyfriend has expressly expressed his wishes against said actions. Ricky’s not thrilled with this development. He begs her not to ruin the two things he loves most in the world (sex and therapy. You guys! I’m totally using that as my band name!), she ignores him and then starts sending him mixed signals by pressing her body to his and engaging in some glossy-lipped making out. Fortunately for us Ashley was upstairs and chooses this moment to interrupt.  She reminds them that the kitchen window is not a one-way mirror.  There’s a clear shot from Amy’s living room into Adrian’s kitchen. She leaves. Ricky suggests getting some shades for the kitchen, Adrian says no way. It’s like she wants Amy to be jealous or something. 

Meanwhile, Amy is holding John and enjoying it. We’ve got actual Amy smiles, people. It’s almost tender as John points to Ricky when she asks him where his daddy is. John doesn’t look like Tom in this scene either. Then Amy asks John where his momma is.  Supposedly John points to Adrian, but I’m not buying it. Amy’s bitchface returns.

Falling in love… is such an easy thing to do….

Previously… sexsexsexsexsexSEX SEX.

Ashley brightens our day with her gloominess re: moving into a room with Amy since she and George are moving back to Molly Ringwald’s. I totally agree with Ashley. It was suck living with Vile Amy.  Also? I’ve changed her name to A-ME! ‘cause it’s all about her. Anyway, George messes with Ashley’s mind for a few lines about how they can rearrange the sleeping situation – none of them favorable for Ashley, and then reveals that he’s spent the last few weekends fixing the garage so that Ashley now has her own place. Yes, you read correctly. 13 year old Ashley now has her own place, with her own entrance. Which, yay, Ashley!  Of the entire dysfunctional clan, she deserves it most. But from a parental standpoint? ARE YOU RUCKING KIDDING ME?  A-ME!, of course is furious that she and John didn’t get the space. I can see her point, but YOU’RE NO LORELAI GILMORE Amy Jergins, so suck it. Suck it hard.

Let’s stop talkin’, let’s get to it….           

So obviously Ben is into single, pregnant chicks so Red Hot Heather, the newest pregnant girl is hitting on Ben even though she knows he’s with Amy. Heather is kind of slutty awesome and I could dig her except for the fact that she looks like my husband’s girlfriend from high school – and Holy Crap! It’s RUMER WILLIS!!  Jennifer Coolidge? Rumer Willis? What the hell kind of favors do they owe the Hamptons?

Anyway, Ben’s Asian (and only) friends rush up to him after Heather gives him her number and are all sorts of “hails no” re: Ben befriending yet another needy head case.  They remind him that his girlfriend is a total bizzotch and doesn’t allow him to have friends. Especially friends with vaginas. Especially friends with used vaginas. Naturally Vile Amy overhears this and demands to know all about it. Ben, if you’re not going to take my advice, I’m going to stop giving it. RUN BACK TO ITALY AND CHANGE YOUR NAME.

Falling in love… is such an easy thing to do….

Dudes, I don’t know what happened in episode 8, but whatever it was, it looks KILLER. Also, it’s caused Ashley to beg her mom to date around before she goes back to George. Wow. So Molly and David broke up?  He must’ve seen an opportunity to escape this crapfest of a show and jumped. Much like John Schneider.   I wonder what (else) George has done to shake Ashley’s trust in him.  I thought she and Amy were all about getting la familia back together. Ashley tells us that George is probably dating. Molly Ringwald looks a little stunned.

Sooo… George and Ashley are moving back home, (does that mean that Adrian’s dad actually bought George’s house? If so, awkwarrrrd. Especially since George and Adrian’s mom hooked up. I wonder when that’s going to come up?)  Ashley’s not thrilled to be back home because John has taken her room  so she doesn’t know where she’ll be sleeping. Hey! Let’s piss Amy off by moving John into her room. It’ll be such a change to watch her complain.  When asked by George what her problem is Ashley accuses him of dating on the sly and then stops out with her camera to take pictures of her pregnant mother so that she can start Internet dating.  Oh, migawd.

Let’s stop talking, let’s get to it…

Previously – Amy has to go to summer school, Ben goes to Italy, Ricky got his own place and Adrian wasn’t invited over. Molly Ringwald’s marrying David, and George and Ashley – well, I’m not sure what they did exactly.

Currently, Ben gets home from Italy and texts Henry and Alice (his Asian best friends) who are sexting? I don’t know, but Alice  (who is dressed in lingerie and alone in bed) looks happy about it. They don’t text him back.  Ben opens his side table drawer (which is suspiciously low on condoms. Looks like Leo and Jennifer “I Really Need to Speak to my Agent” Coolidge got a little bizzy over the summer.  Ben unpacks this and that into the drawer and the pauses and smiles down at a picture of him and some girl on a moped. The girl isn’t Amy, and Ben looks happy. Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Previously: People died (mostly moms and dads) and sex between Grace and Jack may or may not have been the cause. Ben is going to Italy. Ricky is getting his own place. Grace is depressed. I hate Amy.

This week I get all excited when I see Jack, Ben, and Frack (Amy’s redheaded friend who really should be working for Disney) in a classroom. FINALLY, these kids get some book lernin’ in – except they’re there in some form of impromptu “One or the other of my parents is dead” support group. I’m conflicted over the word “support” since no one supports anyone on this craptastic crapfest of a show. Blah blah blah let’s talk Grace into going to cheer camp blah blah blah we just want to help you Grace blah blah blah I’m going to Italy/football camp/nowhere so lessen our guilt but getting heavy with the rah-rahs, will ya?  “We just want to help,” Jack says. “Well, maybe I can help Ben with the fact that his dad’s marrying an Internet hooker,” Grace says. Okay, that was funny.

Next we’re in the kitchen de los casa des les embarazadas (and I can neither spell nor speak Spanish. SO WHAT?!) and it’s the last day of school and John is looking all kinds of edible as he and his pudgy self rest in his punkin’ seat on the kitchen counter. Vile Amy is, of course, looking miserable and is super annoyed that she’s not going to Italy – although, sleeping in won’t suck. Molly Ringwald laughs at her because girlfriend is going to be working all summer and that means getting up early. Vile Amy looks stricken. I laugh again. Ashley walks in and tells Molly that she’s supposed to drive her to school as Inappropriate George is out riding his hawg.

George, looking like a complete George Clooney on a three-wheeler (not hot at all), is flirted with at a stop light by a hot, professional blonde type lady. He preens, he says, “Yes, I’m George,” and then he is SERVED, and I laugh AGAIN! This is the most fun I’ve had in minutes, people!!

Let’s stop talking, let’s get to it….

So here we go. Next episode. Do you feel me when I say that I’d much rather be watching something rockawesome like Torchwood? ‘cause I would, but the reviews wouldn’t be half as “entertaining” unless you liked reading “and then something awesome happened. AGAIN!!” over and over.  Also, I’m really tired because I just spent half my lifespan watching my numero uno child kick some fin in the regional state swim championship today. WTGAMY!!!

Where was I? Oh yeah. *sigh* The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  Gah. I need a drink.

Last week they made “joke” after “joke” about Bologna, Italy and blow jobs. Ben’s going,
Amy isn’t and she’s pissed. Molly Ringwald’s pregnant and either George or David is the father. George inappropriately told Grace that he lied about having a vasectomy. You just know that’s going to get around.  Ben’s dad is dating Jennifer Coolidge the Internet Hooker that Tom knows. Also? All these people suck hard.  Except maybe Leo. Oh, and John Schneider is still dead.

Previously: Amy got knocked up, Ricky got lots of sex, Amy whined, Grace and Jack’s coitus killed John Schneider,  Ben wants sex and quit his job, Amy bitched, and Slow Tom waved at Jennifer “I might be playing an Internet hooker” Coolidge when she dropped Ben off at John Schneider’s funeral. Oh, and Amy was vile.

Currently: It’s dark outside Los Casa d’estoya embarazada and Molly Ringwald is sitting at the kitchen table looking tired and stunned that her career took such an awkward turn after The Stand – but before I go on, let me congratulate Real Molly Ringwald and her family on the Real Arrival of her Real Twins! What? I’m not totally heartless and stuck up – like Amy.  Speaking of Vile Amy she comes flopping into the kitchen and miserably folds herself up on the kitchen chair and complains that John was crying because he was hungry and wet. We also learn that it’s 4:30 a.m. and she doesn’t know if she should go back to bed or study. Such is the life of a teen parent. We learn that Maybe Baby Daddy David had is assistant call to tell Molly he’d be late from his trip instead of calling himself. Molly thinks he’s avoiding her and Amy thinks he’s being immature. Not even 2 minutes in and I want to smack her, but I have a feeling I’d better pace myself.

 

We’re greeted to previously and here’s what you need to know: Grace had sex, and it was so incredible that it killed her dad in a fiery plane crash. The end.

We start this episode with Tom opening the door to Jack “Incredible Sex Maker.” Tom slowly demands to know what Jack’s doing there. It turns out Josie Bissett wanted him to come talk with Grace on this the day of her dad’s funeral. He calls Tom “buddy” to which Tom indignantly (and slowly) informs him that they are no longer buddies. “C’mon Tom,” Jack says smoothly. “If Tammy wanted to have sex wouldn’t you have sex?” he asks. Tom declines, telling Jack that he’s down to his last parent. No way would he kill his mother the way Grace killed their father. He also tells Jack that he (Tom) is the man of the house, but Jack wants to do something to help. Jack, you and your incredibly talented man stick have done enough, thank you very much. “Can you bring back my dad?” Tom asks (slowly).  Jack goes on up to see Grace, and you know what would be awesome? Another conversation about their incredible sex, John Schneider’s death, and Grace’s guilt. *fingers crossed*

The newest recap of My Secret Pain! will be up Sunday :).